The pain inside me

Forsaken Memory

Where are you going? I ask trying to hold back the tears forming in my eyes.

Baby, I'll be back. Empty words that come out of the person that isn't supposed to leave you. Yes. She is not even worth the tittle of Mother. I don't understand why she keeps leaving like this.

But mom I need you, at least let me go with you! ... I beg a little more than I wanted to but, shit, even I know that this is always a routine with her. I get my hopes up that she will stay or just take me with her. Until reality kicks in like a ton of bricks.

Oh baby you are, but not now. I have to settle in first, plus you get to stay with your father and brother.

And why don't you stay? Why do you always need to leave, there's no reason for it.

Gabriela, I need to be with someone and find my happiness. Baby, when you get older you'll understand.

Are we not making you happy? Aren't we good enough ?

I need to leave!

You always do...

I will never forget that day. The day she decided we were not good enough for her. The day she left us and never came back. But I was naive and I waited for that moment where she decides that we are good enough for her. And that's the sad part. The hole she leaves inside me with that no one else seems to fill. Not even my dad - and how I wish it wasn't like that.

Dusk fades as the sky turns to night. I think about my day, my life and what it has become. I remembered how I once imagined how my life would it be if my mom was here. What if my dad worked less and stayed home more. But not everything is what we want it to be. You wanna know the saddest part? I still have hope - hope for her to come to her senses and try to be here for us, for my dad work less and spend more time with us. But I'm grateful. Grateful to be alive, for having my dad and knowing that he hasn't left us like my mom did. Grateful for who I am.

Being alone is my worse enemy. My mind tends to wonder and it gets the best of me. I try so hard to not overthink everything but I always do. I tried my hardest to collect myself. I need to get ready for my daily routine, which consists of me making breakfast for Noah and dad, getting him to school and then doing my daily chores around the house. When my mom left I had to take responsibilities that weren't mine, but my dad needed help and we had no one else. I had to drop out of school and watch my dreams go down the drain to help raise my brother. To take him to school and do what a mother is supposed to do. My dad could barely afford our debts, I wasn't going to make him pay for a baby sitter even if it meant me dropping out of high school.

Gabriela, come down baby girl, I have something to tell you and your brother!

(I wonder what it is this time...) I think to myself. My dad is not one to give bad news. But when he does it's mostly about him having to work more and that means he won't be home as often. And the thought of that breaks my heart more than what it is. Ever since my mom left I have to deal with abandonment issues and it's hard on me. I tend to isolate myself from people and when they get too close I just cut them off. I guess being left by your mom at the age of 10 leaves you like that.
Sorry, for making you wait dad I had a bad night!
No te preocupes princesa, I just need to tell you guys something I hope you guys don't get mad at me.

Why would we? ("is he leaving us too?") is the first thing that crosses my mind, but I tried to move past it cause I know he wouldn't.
You both know that everything I do is for you guys, I know I'm not that great of a father. But there's so much I can do and I need to keep my job to get you guys everything that is necessary in the house and pay the bills. But I still have my needs and well me and your mom have been separated for almost 5 years now...

Eww! Dad we do not need to hear about your needs. Noah says while I laugh and dad just eyerolls, annoyed by Noah's comment.

Well what I was trying to say before Noah rudely interrupted me is that I have a girlfriend and I will like you guys to meet her!

I can hear and see how nervous my dad is. The thought of him with another woman never crossed my mind and to be honest I never thought it could happen. But here we are talking about him wanting us to meet whoever he's dating and I'm frightened.

When do we get to meet her? I ask my dad full of excitement.

I'm planing on tomorrow during a family dinner. What do you guys say?

It's okay with me. Can I go back to my gaming? Noah asked, already half way to his room.

Like he needed permission to leave. My dad says in a sarcastic tone.
Well what do you say, Gab? Tomorrow family night?

Yes, dad! Whatever makes you happy!
Tomorrow I will be opening a new chapter in my life. I'm willing to move past my mom and let a new woman into our little family and see what happens.