You Should Have Called

Loneliness

I was scared. It was the first day of the month and I was extremely scared. There was lightning the whole night long. I did not know how to help my panicking, shaking self. I tried to sleep but it made me even more nervous so I stayed on my computer to distract me from everything. The nice thing about this is, that I live in a small village so bad weather means no wifi connection. I could not help myself but count the hours until daylight, where I would feel safe and less alone.

I have actually been alone for a long time. I learned to live by myself, for myself. I had no friends that I could share my feelings with and telling my parents about my emotions also was never an option for me because they would probably be super caring ( even too much caring ) and that would make any situation I am in even worse and that would lead to me being not open to my parents which on the other hand would lead to my parents thinking that their daughter is a psycho with depressions and suicidal thoughts. But I am not. I am just alone and I am living with that. It is amazing to be able to do something without having judges who make everyone of your steps worthless. The human race consists of hate and anger and with every one of them walking by, lays a smell of total egoism in the air. Humans only care about themselves and are willing to walk over dead bodies to reach their goals. And that my lovely people is exactly why I am enjoying the loneliness. I know that there is no one who is able to hurt me, no one who will talk bad about me, no one who will abuse my trust, no one who will hate me, no one who will love me. Yes, out of a billion people there is no one out there. And this is my own happiness. Watching other people break each others hearts, play with each others emotions and tear each other apart is part of the daily movie theatre I am sitting in. It is called my life.

Of course there are good parts about socialising but the amount of disadvantages should open ones eyes. On the other hand there are also bad things about being alone; you have no one to talk to, no shoulder to cry upon, no one to physically share your emotions with and it breaks you down. It makes you shatter into thousands of pieces and while you try to put the pieces together, crying, you notice that your devotion

makes no sense because these pieces are always going to be separated.

Being alone means leaving everything and everyone behind. Your inner self simply reflects your actions and feelings just twice as painful as they actually are. This is why not everyone is able to live on his own. We have all heard stories developing from loneliness; suicide, self harm, anorexia, depressions. But that is totally not me. I am living. Enjoying life. Going to school, decorating my room, posting pictures on the internet and getting likes by the people that call themselves my friends.

However, that was enough negativity for now. Let's come back to the storm. All these thoughts calmed me down and the storm made me feel safe. I suddenly liked the sound of the rain and the thunder. Especially the rain woke some positivity in me. I was seeing it as a sign of a new beginning. It was kind of washing away all the pain and it felt like something good is about to come. But maybe it was just a feeling.