Louis Tomlinson Imagines

Sad

Dear Louis,

How are you doing? I am well. We haven't spoken in a while and I just wanted to let you know what I am thinking of you. I have since the day we parted. My thoughts are consumed the images of you, of us. Our delightful past has been haunting me since the last time I saw you. Do you think of me, wherever you are? I sure hope so. You and I both know that what we had was wonderful, and I wish that you hadn't left me the way you did. But that didn't make me love you any less, despite the hell you me through. You know that quote you used to say all the time? "Live life to the fullest because everything else is uncertain"? Was that it? Honestly, that inspired me to keep moving forward no matter how much my chest hurts when I think of you. Even eight months later, tears still come to my eyes as I look through the materials in our --my-- closet.

As I sit here, trying to reach you now, I look back at the first time that we met. Little did I know that I would fall in love with you, let alone loose you the way that I did.

"This is stupid isn't it?" You smiled, crinkling your nose. It was our first date, a blind one at that. You used to complain how annoying those scenarios were in movies. I miss your rants and banters about things that drove you insane.

"Yes, it is." I agreed with you. "I apologize for Perrie's behavior." I smiled, mentioning my friend, who set the two of us up. Remember her? She was such a nice person. I remember you two getting along well.

"I don't mind though." You had said, resting your hand on top of mine over the table.

"Me either." I grinned back. It was in that moment I knew. I knew that it was your smile that I wanted to see until the day that I died.

Six months later we were in as love as we could be. It was something out of a fairy tale. You were so beautiful, and your laugh brightened up my day. Your fans responded to our relationship well. I remember the day that you told the public we were together.

"She means everything to me." You had said, a sparkle in your blue eyes. I was sitting in the front row, baby. Only you didn't see me. I was there the whole time. I caught up with you backstage after the cameras stopped rolling and you caught me in your strong arms, telling me how much I meant to you. Although you're not here now, I know you meant those words. Our relationship wasn't perfect though. I did some terrible things, yet your forgave me, telling me that I was the one for you.

Do you know how that felt? Despite the things I had done to you --to us-- you never left me. You made me feel wanted, and the guilt was one of the reasons why I was distant. I lied you nonetheless, and I just couldn't believe someone as wonderful as you would love someone as disheveled as I. It should have been me that left.

But Louis, before you left, before I knew that you had gone, you told me you loved me. Do you remember that morning? You wrapped your arms around my waist when I was making you breakfast and you kissed my neck, holding my waist. You told me I made you happy. That's why when you left I was not just angry, I was confused. You told me you loved me, let you left that same day. You completed me. No one else made me feel like you did. Everyone said that we weren't good together, that we were two different, but that's what made us good. I keep remembering the first time you told me that you loved me.

We were in an argument over something I can't remember. No matter how angry I got, I still loved you more than breathing. Did you know that? When you let the three words leave your mouth, the room was silent. "What?" I had whispered.

"I. Love. You." You had repeated, stepping closer and taking my face in your hands. The way you looked at me made me feel loved, and I was. The way you looked at me with such adoration made me feel whole, like you were the only one who could made me smile. Did you know that people blamed me? They said I didn't help you get through your problems. They didn't know anything about us, they didn't know what we were going through. I tried, Louis. I tried.

I tried so hard I thought I was going to die. Life without you seemed impossible, a hell, but I know better now. Now that you are not here to sooth me when I wake up screaming, when you are not here to make me smile, I know I can go on. How, I am not sure yet. But I know this is what you would have wanted for me, despite how you left. What made me so confused was you said you were getting better. You said they stopped.

And I believed you.

I thought that the glimmer in your eyes was something else, but it wasn't. You made me a different person. And I love and hate that person at the same time. Why didn't you come to me? I could have helped you. I could have helped you because I love you. Did I not show you that? I know it's too late now but you have to know how much you mean, meant to me. We could have gotten through it together. Liam, Harry, Niall and Zaun tried to help you but you didn't want to see anyone.

"I'm fine." You had said, over and over again. I, being the naïve girl I was, I thought it was true. I didn't see that underneath that smile, was a man breaking down from everything that was thrown upon him. And I am sorry, Louis. I am so sorry I couldn't be there for you like you were for me. I suppose it is my fault. I was too blind to see that you were not alright, and it kills me everyday to look back and see the signs that I didn't see at the time.

Realizing all this now, it feels like someone is ripping me apart nerve by nerve. The pain blinds me and knocks me to my feet. I don't let people see me though. When I'm in public people give me looks, like they know what I'm going through, but they don't. But this isn't about me, Louis. This is about you. "I'll never leave you." I had whispered to you one night as you were drifting off to sleep. You didn't answer and I knew you were dreaming happy thoughts. Or at least trying to. I knew something was wrong when the nightmares started.

"It wouldn't stop." You told me, voice shaking as sweat covered you.

"I'm here, Louis. I'll always be here." I cooed in your ear, but you had already fallen back asleep in my arms. But then the day came. The day that you left me. The day that you left everyone who had ever cared about you. The day that my world came crumbling down on me. I know you don't know what happened, so I'll tell you.

I was coming home that evening in October. I had gone out with the girls, although I wasn't in the mood. I only left the apartment because you had practically dressed me yourself. The night was a great one and I'll never forget it, but not for the party. For what I would lay my eyes upon.

"Louis?" I called for you. No answer. I tried again and searched the whole place until I found you. You were just lying there. On the door of the bathroom--our bathroom. "Louis?" I asked, confused. But my eyes widened when I saw the empty bottle of pills in your hand.

"No." I had whispered, sinking to my knees. I shook you, I screamed at you, and I even hit you to try and wake you up. A part of me always knew that I would never see your blue eyes again but I loved you so much I couldn't give up. Did you know that I stayed my you for hours until I called your mother? I laid next to you on the cold ground until three in the morning, watching you. Wishing you would open your eyes and tell me how beautiful I was. I thought my life was over. I really did. I though that I lost the will to live. I almost joined you, but I knew you wouldn't have wanted that for me.

When they came and took you away, I was furious, and I knew the reason why you left me. You had ranted so many times about the fans pestering you and your family. Spreading lies about us and who you were. It drove you insane and I knew you wanted to kill those people, but you weren't that person. It wasn't you. I miss you. I miss you more than anything in the world. No one else made me feel whole, no one else makes me feel empty after they leave. You were my other half, Louis. I thought you felt the same way too. I knew the hate was getting to you, I knew that. But I believed you when you said it was getting better. I couldn't believe it when you left, I wouldn't. The way you used to touch my skin, the way you used to kiss me ignited something inside me that I know no one else can.

So at the same time that I'm sitting here loving you, I despise you. You left me here as a empty shell that no one can fill. Because the only person that would make me come alive, Louis is you. You have no idea how much I wanted to join you, Louis. I thought that isn't what you wanted but what do I know? I know nothing. So, my dear, we will see each other again. But not when I'm old and gray, no. It will be very, very soon. I love you with all my heart. I will love you for the rest of eternity. I will love you even when my heart stops beating. That being said, I will come to see you now. I'll see you soon.

Forever yours,

Y/N