Voices.

Chapter 1- Dieing Inside.

I scanned the street looking for a threat. A sign. A guy? My eyes fluttered In a reluctant gaze at anything that moved. Looking for fulfillment, love, hope, happiness? Who knows. I stared at my feet hitting the ground, pushing off, then bouncing back up. I fixed my shirt to my liking or somebody's at least. I returned to my scavenging. Scan. Look. Fix. Scan. Look. Fix. What am I a mercat? I took a sharp right and bounded up the steps two at a time. Where am I going? Who am I expecting to see there? Ahhh...right my mother. What can she do for me? Nothing. Just like always.

"Boy meets girl, love, romance, and fierce fighting." The scratchy voice of my English teacher stated, as she introduced our new book.

~oh no not again.~

"Mrs. Baker, can we please read something besides sappy romance novels?"

My irritated voice broke through the moans of boredom and silenced the class.

"Well, Ms. Gregory, it seems to me that I am in charge of this class room. Am I correct?"

I crossed my arms and leaned back in my chair. I cocked my eyebrow in irritation, and gave her the most rebellious look humanily possible.

"Mmmmhh" she cleared her throat signaling my response.

"I believe it is...madam." I let my uncapped sarcasm seep through.

"OUTSIDE. NOW."

~well, now you've done it. Stupid girl.~

"Shut up." I muttered to myself as I walked out the door.

"Mrs. Baker..." She cut me off.

"This kind of behavior is unexceptable! Didn't your parents teach you to respect your elders?" Maybe it was my how every bone in my body became snapped in half and then melted into jello or the tears welling in my eyes bug she knew she had gone to far.

"Sammy..." I cut her off.

~yelling at her isn't going to make your pain go away~

"No, actually they didn't. I taught myself manners, because my parents weren't around enough...to teach me." I could feel the tears wanting to rush out if my eyes like when you un-kink a hose, but I couldn't let the dam break. My throat burned, I could physically feel my heart shattering into pieces.

~what's wrong with you?~

"Everything." I whispered to myself. I slid down the wall; tears streamed down my cheeks and mascara lines formed beneath my eyes. My head dropped to my knees and I sobbed.

~great, now they think your weak. Perfect. just perfect.~

As tears still flowed from my eyes, I screamed into my hands. I could tell my eyes were red and puffy, and were covered in mascara. My cheeks covered in an abundance of tears, and my hair messy, frazzled, and falling out of its pony tail.

~nobody could ever love you. You ugly, fat, piece of shit~

"I know." I whispered.

When I could see again I looked around only to realize that it wasn't Mrs. Baker in the hallway with me, it was a boy sitting about two feet away from me. He had shaggy black hair, and stunning green eyes that were staring at the cloudy sky. He was wearing a black Nirvana shirt over a black long sleeve shirt.

~he thinks your ugly, and weak~

"Don't listen to her." He said still looking at the sky.

"What?" I said a little dazed.

"Don't listen to her." He said once again.

Apparently I still looked confused because he said,

"The voice. Don't listen to her. she'll Destroy you, that's what she wants." He said all in a oh-I'm-just-washing-my-hair voice, as if it was completely normal to be talking about the voice inside my head that is trying to get me to press the self-destruct button.

The next week I was just minding my own buisness walking the halls hoping to hell that nobody asks why I am wearing a hoodie in mid-August. Last night I just couldn't control myself, there was to much built up inside me and I just didn't know what to do with it. It's the scariest thing because when I stub my toe it feels like the most painful thing in the universe but I can cut my limbs, blood running down my arms and legs, and I can go with out eating for days at a time, and feel nothing but the hunger pains boiling in my stomache, and it doesn't faze me the least bit. That's what really terrifys me about myself is I can be so numb and empty and so emotionally at the same time. I don't even know what to do half the time. Am I supposed to pretend to care? Am I supposed to pretend like like I don't care? I'm so confused with life and-

My thoughts were interrupted with an unannounced slamming noise right in front of my face. I jumped about 6 feet into the air and a familiar laughed filled the air around me.

"What the fuck, dickwad?" I asked in a tone that ringed with sarcasm and at the same time I kept on my best 'I'm going to kick your as' face plastered on.

" well hello to you too, gorgeous," he stated with sarcasm at first but kept the incompetent compliment completely serious. My best friend stood before me. All 6'4 of the dumbass.

" I'm not gorgeous." My eyes hit the ground and I tugged at my clothing. He grabbed my waist and pulled my toward him and bent down so that his face was only a microscopic space of 2" in remained.

He gazed into my eyes with the most serious expression on his face I had ever seen and stated, " your are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on." I laughed and the bell rang.

" I'm late for history. See you later" I shot this statement at him and turned on my heel and was out of that hallway in a blink of the eye. The lags thing I needed was connor telling me that I was beautiful. I definatly did not need that we would not last. Shit. Am I over thinking this? Yes. No? Awww, fuck. Well I definatly do not know now.

I made my way to into AP world history and took my usual seat last row closest to the door. Makes for a quick escape. I looked to my left and saw the mysterious boy who offered me a quick hand of advice for vanquishing my demons. I disobeyed my own rules and picked up my binder and books and sat in the desk next to him. He sat there legs crossed notepad nested at the perfect angle in his lap and pencil in hand his bad boy approach to life really had an affect on me, and well...my lady parts. Oh fuck. You are so screwed, and I don't mean by him. I popped one of my headphones in and zoned out for the remainder of the class period.

" hey....hey...hey....he-"

What the fuck who is talking to me why- oh great I'm sleeping.

" oh fuck."

"Welcome back sleeping beauty." He announced with a certain amount of confidence in his voice but a greater amount of insecurity in his eyes.

"Oh shut up." I rolled my eyes and started gathering my belongings.

" feisty."

" like salsa bitch" I stated as though it was a fact that everybody should know. I stood up and started walking away when he asked me the simplest question that for some reason changed my life forever,

" why does love, love everything more than love loves itself?"

I froze in my tracks I couldn't breathe for a second, after regaining my composure for a good five seconds I continued walking without saying a single word or passing a single glance.