beats of my heart

chapter 1

2 months ago my life took a major turn for good. After the whole scandal with Luke came to light, I broke up with him the very next day. It was really hard but I had to rip that band-aid off, I needed to move on and take control of my life before it became a total mess. The thing about break ups especially the ugly ones is that either they can make you or break you. Mine did both to me, it has evolved me into someone whose tough on the outside but inside I still feel the pain. I can never forget it. I have realized that though I smile, talk and party like any other teenager on the outside there is still something missing. I feel empty and detached though I pretend otherwise. Is this normal? I have asked myself several times but I am past caring at this moment. This is my new normal and don't care if anybody things otherwise. the only highlight of my life these days is the song I have been working on post break up. Its almost complete but like me it lacks emotion. I don't know what to do about it, it's like I am stuck in an endless cycle, like a broken record repeating the same note again and again. I haven't told my brother about anything that happened. Though he suspects something is wrong  he has been kind enough to not push me on the issue. Like me he is also losing his patience  waiting for something to push away the clouds of misery hovering over my head.

"Mari" Sam whispers in my ear. I sigh as she continuously pokes me with the tip of her pen. "What?" I whisper scream at her slightly leaning towards her desk. "please tell me you have filled forms for MSM??" Manhattan school of music is what she is talking about. A dream that has been a constant in my life since childhood. But I have given up all the hopes of ever following that dream. Its just not realistic, I cannot afford the fees and I cannot burden Lucas with my problems anymore, he has done enough as it is. I am not that cruel to make my brother suffer for my dreams. I have lost everything as it is I don't want  to loose him too. "NO" I tell Sam dragging myself out of my thoughts. "Mari why are you doing this to yourself, its our dream, please don't ruin your life like this, I don't want to do it without you please consider it again. Are you list-" 

"Ms Williams and Ms Stewart  is there a problem you would like to share with the class??" Mr Halls boomed  cutting out whatever Sam was gonna say next. "Not at all Mr Halls we apologize for causing any kind of disturbance." I say quickly before we got any detention slips. Sam huffed beside me but didn't say another word for the rest of the lecture. Samantha Williams aka Sam is is my best friend, no actually she is my soul sister. She has been a constant in my life since 1st grade. We have been friends for so long that I don't even remember the first time we met each other. She moved into the house across the street before the beginning of first grade and since then we have been inseparable.She is the only one who knows every detail about my life even about Luke. everyone in the school thinks the breakup was mutual and peaceful  except Sam she knows every shitty detail about the incident. She is my only other family besides Lucas who understands me better than me. She is also the one who like me preaches music and has  been my partner in crime throughout my life. 

Though I love her to the moon she is really getting on my nerves these past few weeks. Her persistent poking is not helping at all and making me more miserable day by day. maybe I should finally consider seeing a therapist I think to myself for the next half hour of the lecture.

As soon as the bell rings I am snatched out of my seat by Sam. I don't even bother arguing with her anymore as I have no energy left in me. Soon I am dragged into the empty auditorium which is only lit by the small amount of sunlight creeping through the closed blinds.

"What is it Sam" I say with whatever energy is left in me. She remains silent as my voice echoes across the empty room. I can  hear the exhaustion dripping from it. She takes a deep breath "So you have made up your mind" she says with a finality in her words. "yeah" I reply in meek tone.

"I don't know what else to say Mari. I don't think I recognize you anymore. You have changed, and as much as it hurts me I don't have any other choice than to except your decision.."

she huffs. I feel the helplessness in her voice. What she doesn't realize is that I am feeling ten times of it and now I have become numb to any kind of emotions.  " but I have to say this Mari and I don't care if this is gonna hurt you anymore than you already are,  you have become a shell of what you were. Where is that spirit of fight, the spark, the confidence that made you Marissa fucking Stewart. I know your parent's death has been hard on you, but this is not the way to live Mari, this not what your parents wanted for you and this is so not the reason your brother is putting so much effort to give you every kind of support that he is capable of." she finishes her speech with a disappointed sigh her eyes searching mine for some kind of acknowledgment.

she is disappointed with whatever she sees in them. "think about what I said Mari" she says with a plea i her voice before leaving me behind in the dark and empty theater without another word.

Her words eat away at me the whole day. Every time they  sneak upon me I try to console myself with the justification that she does not understand the pain I am going through, that if she had been in my shoes she too would have done the same. But still those words remain buried in my heart like thorns. Reminding me again and again that whatever is going wrong should be corrected before its too late. I think its already too late. I don't think I can muster any more courage to fight against the tide of destiny. 

I am successful in avoiding Sam for the next few hours of school. I take a sigh of relief when I reach the safety of my room. I feel bad for doing this to Sam, but for the life of me I  cannot  stand the disappointment in her eyes for more than a second or I will break down and at this moment I don't think anybody can afford for that to happen. It's better to let the sleeping dogs lie. thinking this I let myself live for few moments in peace before I can let myself slide into a guilt trip. With all these thoughts running through my head I don't give any attention to the fact that my brother is not home yet which unusual for him, but I let it slide as exhaustion takes over me and I close my eyes for a few moments.