It's Elisa ,Not Erik

I was sad , he was dead.it had been two weeks since the last time I saw him in his bed , eyes shut , purple lips and pale lifeless complexion.his body was cold.there was no doubt that he was dead .a sudden grief struck me , chilling my spine , something inside me broke gradually and then all of a sudden I felt lost and broken .I wanted to cry , but my eyes were dry .I wanted to scream , but my throat hurts. Within a year I had lost two important person from my life -my wife , and now my son .the loss was irreparable .Two weeks went in consoling myself that things will be all right , but it was getting more worse. I would spend whole day staring at the life devoid picture of my wife and him , Erik .oh ! My son he was too young to die .he was 13.

Today I went in his room , I can feel his presence with every step I take , his fragrance .I was terribly feeling his absence , trying to fill the emptyness in me by touching his school stuffs .I pulled open his pencil case , caress them with my fingers , realizing that his tender hands would have used them to write I gently kissed them .I didn't realize but my cheeks were wet.I pulled his white canvas shoes and embraced it than I placed them back on the rack . The shoes had left a mark on my chest .

I unpacked his school bag .Few books dropped out ,there was one notebook , covered in brown parchment , scribbled on it was - 'my diary ' .I literally sobbed to hiccups as I began to turn the yellow pages.

Mon, ( bad day )

Dear mama ,
Why did you leave ?? Tell me , come and speak to me mama ?? Where are you ?? You don't know how terribly I miss you .I want to share with you so many things .you know today papa thrashed me with a cane , my knee was bleeding .Trust me mama I didn't do anything . I jusy made my hair into a ponytail , today he saw me with open hair .I had grown up my hair .They look beautifull .

Yours Erik

Sat,( very bad day )

Mama , papa locked me In bathrom today , he also put the lights off .It was dark inside , I was calling for you , scared I sat in the corner .please come home mama .please .you know mama today I tugged into your red ensemble , the cherry red skirt you brought last christmas .I look stunning .I even coloured my lips with crayons. I couldn't find your make up kit .where do you keep them ?? I look like a pretty girl .I even clicked pictures I will show you when we will meet .I was happy but then papa opened the door and saw me....the whole night I spend in bathroom clinging to his bathrobe.

Erik Yours

Tue , ( bad as before)

Mama believe me I am more happy as a girl .why don't they understand .Max and Philip mocked and bullied me .They say because I act like girl .Do I act ?? No mama I don't act I was born like this.Have you ever noticed my fingers are so delicate and slender.I have a melodious vioce .I am not muscular even ,thin and slim like a girl .I even wrote a letter to jesus asking if he could tell why he send me as a boy why not your girl .I am more of a girl than a boy .

Yours Erik

Fri, ( crying day)

I went for shopping mama today , with papa .he was busy buying for himself so I went to ladies compartment .I liked few dresses I went to the trial room but mama there was no trial room .there were room for men and women but not for me .then I bought without trying them .papa didn't know untill we reached home. And then he saw them and he slapped me .he took me to the saloon and made sure that my hairs were cut short, like a boy .deep inside I am still a girl .your girl mama his girl , little girl .why don't he just understand that I am happy .No body cares here.I cried whole day for my lost hair .I will grow them back .What do you say??

Sat, ( bad as ever)

Mama it is getting too much .today our class teacher scolded me infront of the whole class because I wear a girls dress on school trip.She called papa and reported him .He was furious and grounded me for a week .He is my father but he never understands.He forced me to join football club to develop manliness, but I don't like football , infact I never liked them .what do I do now .I need your help .Mama you live in paradise will you pleaee ask jesus to send me help .I just want to live as I am .

Yours Erik

Sun, ( happy day )

Oh! mama I am so glad today .it seems like jesus too is willing to help me.you know I met Angelina today , our neighbour .I don't know how it started but within an hour of our meeting I shared everything with her.she only said one sentence and things changed drastically-'I am with you ' .she is the only person who believes that I must be allowed to exist.we spent the evening together .we practiced few ballet sequences .And you know what she even taught me how to wear high heels and still not fall and I was wondering how you managed them mama it's more difficult then playing football.initially it was so difficult to keeep balance but then i enjoyed .it was so fun being with her .she is a great friend and supporter .she promised me that she will be of constant help in all the challenges ahead ..I felt so relieved .atleast someone is with me.and yes , she is the one who gave me name , beautifull feminine name -Elisa .how is it ? Do you like it ??

Your girl ,
Elisa

Fri , ( worst day)

Sorry I couldn't write you , I was busy shifting things around.
Mama things are not good here , they are getting worse .papa overheard me confiding into angelina .he was hell furious and the consequences was much too hell. We had to quickly shift to old house that grandpa owned on knee down road .he didn't want Angelina's shadow on me . He make sure I meet no girls and spend more time with boys.in past few months he had become a devil without horn .he is not my papa .he is a society bound , who is trying his best to tackle my growing fondness of being a girl .I feel isolated here at knee down .He is always angry and spend less time with me .We only face each other at the dinning during lunch and dinner .But we hardly speak .We only talk with our spoons.Yes he do come into my room at night to check I quickly shut my eyes to pretend .He sleeps with me for sometimes and then leave .He do love me and care for me , but he is unable to understand me.

Miss you,
Elisa.

Mon , ( ..........day)

Mama I tried my best to make papa understand but I am not sure whether he get my point or not .I am left with no option but to give up .If I had few support maybe I would have combat .But I am alone and too weak. I am coming to you mama .Paradise is a wonderful place , I hope jesus will allow me to be what I want to be .I know this will be painfull for papa and me as well.But I am so flummoxed with the whole thing that I have to take step .Will you be angry with my decision? ?and mama is death very painfull ?? Death will not taste bitter as the pain I taste every time they all reject me as Elisa.Please pardon me mama .I am helpless , I am sorry mama .I am coming to you but I am sad I will miss papa, I will miss Angelina. Do you think I am a bad child???I had already taken bottles and bottles of pills from his cupboard that will be enough to push me into a deep sleep .I am very much weary I have to rest now.I tested papa's patience a lot , hope he will forgive me and love me the way he used to when I am not here ..

Love
Elisa ( bad child)

I tried my best to stand on the floor but everything was getting so blurred I just collapsed. Everything started rewinding. Erik in my wife's skirt smiling in the mirror , his lips coloured ,his long hair spread on his back .No doubt he was beautiful. I began to regret when I locked him in bathroom .He was howling in pain but I never heard them.He was broken but I never mend him .he wanted me but I never gave him .What kind of father I am ? What use I am of when I was of no use to my son.I could not see in his eyes , I could not peep in his soul .I couldn't do anything in my life .I am a waste.he wanted to be my little girl and I refused my support and look where I stand now I don't have my Erik also .

Now I knew what I wanted to do in my life .My little Elisa had given me the aim of my life.The next two month were very busy and hectic. But I was happy .things were going as planned.the authority had made it permissible to open an NGO.I named it- ' it's Elisa, not Erik'.there were people like Angelina who were willing to be part of the organization that works for transgender.I was satisfied .I did faced criticism but that was the beginning. Elisa had given his life but I still had to go a long way for the same cause.I smiled at the two stars outside my window - my hope , my belief , my strenght..

"ERIK AND HIS FATHER WERE ON THE SAME BOAT.ONE DIED AND THE OTHER LIVED HIS LIFE FOR THE SAME CAUSE"

I Angelina Watson , smiled as I finished reading the' The New York Times' top listed novel" Erik can wear skirts" authored by Erik's father or rather Elisa's father , I started calling him by that name when he died.