“I embark on the boat of inevitable fate which there to see my leads of choice, the one is wearing white glittering bliss and the other is with black murk of madness. While paddling the passage towards its zenith end, I have one’s eye on the wave of sea breaking at the foot of huge shivering crags, so I am afraid of it to fall till I feel the warmth of my Guide who can’t wait to see me face to face, I know now where I am going to be; at home of my Guide in which I reside.” TO MOTHER
There are times in the agony of life where your strength becomes your weakness, and that weakness makes you firm deciding within your whole self it is time to adhere what kismet tells you to do at first light of your defiance.
I cannot think of an acceptable answer to the question, “why is she still on bed when people at her work need her most?” I am sure she’d say that to be professional, time is an exception. I have nothing to do but to watch the continuous flow and rippled sound of her clock. As it passes by, I look upon some indelible memories that even I escape from it, I have no doubt it would end up holding on to a moment where I turn to multiple things that eventually result only an ambiguity. However, I am now living to my past and this would be only cured through the occurrence of mine. I have no thought of choice but to spread this anguish in my heart while she and I are in the middle of silence.
On 23rd day of January, when Maj is awake at vanishing dawn, she keeps pushing me till my body consciously feels the force of her thick palm. I try to calm my head than to slit behind uncontrollable words as to her vulnerable guts that come from my tongue. Maj prepares our breakfast, but I am in no mood, as usual, to allow her special dish to taste any crunch of my buds, so I decide to leave our house and walk on constant play which I never dream to have since I paired off with Maj. She runs at me before I get on the bus just to give me her own illaudable slice. Maj kneels in front of people there watching both of us, and it makes me feel that I’m the one responsible for my own blame. I don’t like to make a scene so I merely kick off slices that splash on her face. She’s left on the eye of crowd crying for need with filth still fumbled on her face.
When I step at ground of hardships, there is no pain felt, regrets touched, and fervent apology made after that incident seeing like how Maj chasing the brisk of wind mocking at the top of rare faded clouds. I am tough for I have reason to be mad at her. If I were going to ask all lure princesses, who of them would say that ending the life of first born is right because it is their crowned queens and kings’ command just to suffice their thirst in gold? What could they think of me? I follow all her wants ‘cause I know she would not break her no little promises, and I ended up waiting. Then now she would return telling me it won’t happen again? This time I try not to become rational about her humble tone of voice that tells me to believe again in her unfulfilled promises.
At the moment of mending my pain about Maj, my phone rings couple of times therefore I answer it right away aside from the reason that it’s surely not her. I hear the saddening voice of my sister while telling me about what happened to Maj. I do not worry, but for good I ask where I can find her. I have hard feelings especially to Maj because I am certain that she’d do this for me to give her my attention. I also have to leave my work in the midst of necessary appointments need to be done immediately. But I know this is for my sister and not for Maj. After thirty minutes getting up from my work, I see my sister leaning on the wall while waiting someone to come. She hugs me tightly that something strange happened. I pretend to be still but inside I freak out having no idea what’s going on. She can’t speak for her face is full of tears that also can’t see her glaring eyes. She only gives me a note from a doctor that consults Maj saying she did not make it, that she tried to hide her pain, and that she carried on in her limited life as long as she could endure it without the presence of her complains. I try neither to wince nor to scream over Maj, rather I should be grateful because no more burdens concealed in my heart that I would longer feel since the realization that I’m alive. But to admit, I don’t know why I suddenly feel down when I read this note but it turns to regret things I should not have done. I don’t know why this sorrow deeply arouses our past situation which only a simple forgiveness can break. I gain less power while staring at note wishing I turn time stepping on delight together with Maj, and I do not like to do everything, only to eye on this doleful note.
After three hours of looking back, she finally opens her eyes and notices she’s totally late at work when people need her most. She hurriedly eats her meal, cleans herself up, and picks up her bouquet of flowers then leaves our house. She drives her car fast but before going to work, she drops by at lone place where several gray stones buried on forlorn surrounded with profusely green grass. She does this whenever it falls on 23rd day of February. She lays the flowers on a stone with the name Jem, leaving a message saying:
“What’s up Jem? I just like to tell I finally make what we really dream of; I know that without you & mother, I would not have been what I am now. I’m not afraid to be alone because surely I’m not. Be here always at my side”
- Your sister Jewels
