~THIS BOOK IS A TRIGGER WARNING~
(Y/N) grew up with her abusive father. He abused her in all kinds of ways. Her mother too.
After her big brother went off to college when she was 3, her father could stop hurting her.
Finally, when (Y/N) was 16, her...
|\/|WARNING|\/| Shit gets real in this chapter. It's just me explaining everything lately. Sorry for it not being an update. |\/|--------------|\/|
Guys, I am so, so sorry about not updating. Everything has been absolutely horrible.
I haven't been in my right mind lately. I have been going through things since the beginning of summer. I almost lost it. If I had given in to the thoughts and temptations, I wouldn't be here to attempt an update for you lovelies. I'm so sorry for not updating.
I feel like complete shit. I've been getting sick much easier than normal, like when I was in kindergarten and I got sick three times a month.
It's been hard walking into high school with this mind set. Watching everyone laugh and smile with their friends and in their relationships. It hurts. I'm jealous. If they truly feel happy, I wish I could feel like that. If they're faking it, I wish I was as good an actor as them. The relationships I see people in make me want that. Someone to love and be there for me. Someone who'll cuddle me and tell me everything is all right. I don't have someone like that to love.
Yes, I'm only 14 and may or may not have a future and I shouldn't be worrying about relationships but it hurts. My chest hurts. I feel like a can't breathe and I want to curl up in a starry abyss and loose all feeling.
I have made a few new friends. Like, 2. I know people. They don't know me. I've become a silent observer and etched the world around me rotate while I sit still in emotional time, pondering why I decide to live and weigh my life between these emotions. Confused as to why I have emotions. I want to be a robot. No emotions and fake facial expressions.
I don't know why I'm pouring my heat out to a bunch of strangers whom I've never had an actual interaction with. Probably because I feel like I have no one. I don't want to give my parents the burden of my emotions. Therapy hasn't worked, I don't want to waste my parent's money on a capsule of chemicals supposed to fix this imbalance that are probably sugar pills anyways. I don't want my friends to stress over me. Heh, I just answered my own question.
What really pushed me over the edge after school started, my best friend had attempted suicide. They tried an overdose and had their stomach pumped over a weekend. They didn't even come to me to talk. I could've lost them. It hurt. I never been on the other side of this and it makes me not want to go through with my plan because I don't want the ones closest to me to be pained over a simple problem like me. But the pain of this depression and self hatred, I want it to end. I've been fighting for 4 years. 4 fucking years. It isn't a lot but since 6th grade and with such a young, growing mind. All I can remember is how depression feels. Then how it feels waking up, no emotions and wearing a fake smile and laughing with others, then waking up a couple days later not wanting to move or think because the only thoughts I have are self deprecating and horrid descriptions of ways I can die, it takes a toll. I don't even know if this is depression, going to bed not knowing if I'll wake up with no feelings or severe depression.
It's all...horrible. I use writing as a way to cope but I don't want depression to interfere with my writing. It's hard to do that when I decided to write a book about a girl who was abused by her father and runs off with her mom, finding love while living with her only father figure.
The reason I don't update often is because in between updates, I'm trying to fix myself. I'll try to stop making excuses and update more.
If you guys want my shitpost account (I use shitposts to cope aswell), my Instagram is spooky.skullpocky during October and just skullpocky the other months of the year.
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The account is private for reasons aka family. I post a lot of random shit, some are my cat. It is very rare for me to post a selfie and I post randomly. My posts are usually funny stuff that get me going through the day. I'm also open to small chats or long conversations in my DMs. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. On wattpad and insta.
