Randall and Indira

New Moon: Indira

I felt like I was trapped in one of those terrifying nightmares, the one where you have to run, run till your lungs burst, but you can't make your body move fast enough.

But this was no dream, and, unlike the nightmare, I wasn't running for my life; I was racing to save something infinitely more precious. My own life meant little to me today.

As the clock began to toll out the hour, vibrating under the soles of my sluggish feet, I knew I was too late — and I was glad something bloodthirsty waited in the wings. For in failing at this, I forfeited any desire to live.

"You... don't... want me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.

 "No. 

"It will be as if I'd never existed. Don't worry. You're human — your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind," he said.

With shaky legs, ignoring the fact that my action was useless, I followed him into the forest. The evidence of his path had disappeared instantly. There were no footprints, the leaves were still again, but I walked forward without thinking. I could not do anything else. I had to keep moving. If I stopped looking for him, it was over.

Love, life, meaning... over.

 Tonight the sky was utterly black. Perhaps there was no moon tonight — a lunar eclipse, a new moon.

A new moon. I shivered, though I wasn't cold.  

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Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

I saw no reason for fear. I couldn't imagine anything in the world that there was left to be afraid of, not physically at least. One of the few advantages of losing everything.

I tried to tell myself that the fear was pointless. I'd already lived through the worst thing possible. In comparison with that, why should anything frighten me now? I should be able to look death in the face and laugh.

One thing I truly knew — knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest — was how love gave someone the power to break you.

I'd been broken beyond repair. 

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But the absence of him is everywhere I look. It's like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. But In a way, I'm glad. The pain is the only reminder that he was real. 

 It was so easy for him to leave.  

I thought briefly of the clichés, about how you were suppose to see your life flash before your eyes. I was so much luckier. Who wanted to see a rerun, anyway?

I saw him, and I had no will to fight. 

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Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.

April 28 2014, 07:39 p.m.

Happy.....never mind.

I love you,

Indira