Guidance for the Damned

JOURNAL ENTRY 1

So I guess I'm going to start keeping a journal. I don't really see the point of it, but the guidance counselor says it can help my depression. At this moment I will try anything to get rid of it. It's not like there is no reason for my depression, because there are a lot of reasons for it, but I just really wish it would stop. I really wish everything would stop. I wish everything could reset and I could live a happy life. A life where I am loved. A life where I have friends. A life where I am not treated like shit. But there is no point in wishing when it can never come true.
Anyway, I was told to write down a quick life story, just to get it out, and from there write weekly or monthly or something like that. Well, here I go. Here is the shit hole we call my life.
I have always lived in this extremely Christian city. We came here because my mother got pregnant with her boyfriend at the time. She was 17 and he was 22. They were only dating because he could get her alcohol and cigarettes, and she could give him her body. Well, we can see how that turned out. Whenever he found out about the pregnancy, he left my mother. Big surprise.
Once all of her "friends" found out about her pregnancy, they stopped talking to her. They had the idea that if she became a mother, she wouldn't be fun, and she wouldn't be able to have fun like they used to. They found no point in hanging out with her anymore. She dropped out of high school because of the bullying and slut shaming. I mean, she was a big slut, but they didn't have to bully her because of it.  Most teenage kids are horny little shits and will have sex any chance they can get.
Well, she ended up getting disowned by her parents because of the path she was on. She went to this city to live with one of her older family members, I have no idea how they were related. She didn't want to be seen as a slut anymore, especially in a Christian town, so she said it was rape (which, legally, it was). The family member ended up dying and they left their house and the last of their money for my mother. So, extremely pregnant and just an adult(having just turned 18), my mother acquired the house we currently live in.
     She didn't have much money left when I was born (she never got a job or anything like that) So she decided to try and track down my 'father'. She was actually successful and --through a process, I don't really understand-- got the court to make him pay child support. And now she only keeps me for the child support. I know she hates me and has never cared about me. She has told me that on multiple occasions. She calls me a mistake and says I should have never been born. And I don't disagree with her.
     School is even worse because everyone knows her story, at least what they think is her story. Due to them being Bible Thumpers, all of them hate me.  Which is weird because I thought Christians were supposed to love everyone, I guess some of them didn't get the memo. They call me "bastard" and blame everything on me. The teachers don't even care and they will listen to them. Both the teachers and the students find me an abomination. I try doing what I am told, but it never works. I am always doing something wrong.
I have even tried going to the adults about me wanting to kill myself. None of them care. One of them even told me how I could do it. Just slit the wrist along the vein. The doctors can't sew it back up. That's not the worst of it though. I constantly get notes saying to kill myself. Telling me different ways to do it. Telling me it'll benefit everyone if I do it. No one has ever stuck up for me. No one has ever cared for me. Not my mother. Not my father. Not even my peers. No one ever will.
It kills me though, knowing I'm replaceable. I'm never someones first thought in the morning. I'm never the one people think of. I'm always the last option. I'm a human. I need to have a friend. I need affection. I need someone to talk to. But of course, I am the one that has to be cursed with this bullshit. Why the fuck should you judge someone based on their parent's actions or how they were born? How the fuck am I supposed to change that? How is it right to make me want to kill myself because my mother is a slut? But hey, that's how the world works I guess. There have to be people like me to get all the shit, just so the other kids feel better about themselves. And that perplexes me even more. How the hell do you feel better about yourself by making someone kill themselves? It takes some sick little fuck to actually feel better about it, but I keep forgetting, this world is full of them.
    I know that there is no reason to keep going. It's not like I haven't planned it. Well I mean, I didn't plan it, everyone else has been planning it for me. I don't get why I don't end it. No one will care, no one will notice. There will be no tears shed. I will just slip away into memories, then flashes in a dream, then nothing. I will be forgotten within a few months, no make that weeks. It'll be so easy. But alas, I'm too much of a pussy to do it.
I'm just scared of what happens after. I can't handle anything worse than this. But how can something even be worse than this? Constant torment. Wanting to die because of my mom's mistake. Living a life where no one cares about you. Committing suicide might take me to a better place. It'll be easy. I just have to cut deeper than I have before. The scars of those previous cuts remind me of the torment. The shitty life I have. The desperate need for a reset button. But no one had tried to stop me from cutting. It's not like they don't know. I don't hide them. They all know, they just don't care. And I too am beginning to care less and less.