Sometimes I find myself encountered by my old self. Somewhere between cold nights, when the daily routine struggles are caught up with me, when I'm too exhausted. This is where she targets me. She talks to me, investigates me.
"How on earth did you end up in prison, because of a woman?" She asks.
In order to answer that, I look down at the beauty sleeping next to me.
"She's the reason."
My old self laughs at me. "Are you serious? You risked your future for living with a troubled woman?"
"Yes." I reply.
There is no other way. I realize then and there that I could do anything for her, I still would. Getting in trouble, getting in prison, being her sex cow. I don't care. She's my life.
And soon my wife. From the very first moment I saw her I knew this woman would be the death of me. I couldn't care less. It was never about being gay. I just love her for who she is. This is what I always answer my old self. Funny how it all caught me by suprise. As we were both getting caught. Gee, even when I hated her the most I loved being around her. And now we're both out, one year later.
Living happily ever after?
Well, not that close but also not so far away. Just trying to get on our feet again, with meanwhile simple jobs like waitress or hostess, sleeping under the roof of an okay 2 rooms apartment in New-York. I shouldn't complain though, compared to other ex-cons fellons we did get along pretty well. It is just a matter of time until we would find better jobs or options to ourselfes. I shouldn't complain at all, as long as I'm with her, I've got it all. I did ask her to marry me back in prison, but as you can tell things got in the way. We got into a little argument over it yesterday. I am so upset and exhausted with our new life routine, it's like: Waking up in the morning, running off to work, worrying about paying the bills just in time, talking to our family (at least my family and what was left from Alex's), hearing them obnoxiously telling us what we're doing wrong ect ect ect...
I think that having a stable job and good enough apartment one year after you had to build you life from the total beginning is doing just right. Nobody understands how difficult it is for us. We are so busy during the day, that we're just crashing to bed at nights with barely even talking to each other.
I'm suck tired of it.
And yesterday I made sure Alex knew it.
"What do you want Piper, I'm doing the best I fucking can!" She spat angrily.
"Do you remember we are about to get married? You said yes.." I said with a hurt soft tone.
"Don't do that."
"Do you not want to marry me anymore?"
"I said. Dont. Do. That."
"Do what?! I miss you Alex!I fucking miss you!"
I then fell on the bed, slowly breaking into tears. I covered myself with blanket and hid from her.
"Gee. Piper."
"What? Don't do that?" I scrcataclly stated and continued sobbing quitely. For a whole 5 minutes I wasn't sure what she was doing, she was silent, but I didn't care also. I was too focused on my pain.
Suddenly, I felt her get into the bed, she hugged me from behind and that's when I noticed she wasn't wearing any clothes. She then started to undress me which I allowed.
We weren't going to have sex, it's just our way to get through things, cuddle naked in our bed and talk. I turned to her and burried my face in her chest.
"We live in this crazy shit routine, wake up, work, go to sleep, night shifts, sleep again, work, wake up, and then I have to listen to my mom mumbeling how proud she is of me but then talks to my brother behind my back saying how stupid I am and how I can't even get my shit together..." I was talking so fast with my voice shaking with tears, I don't know if Alex understood anything. However, she did nothing but listening closely, while taking my nude body to her, hugging it softly.
