Can't Have You [Larry]

May 16th

May 16

Harry, are you doing that? Is someone messing with me? I need to know, you're making me die. You're killing me basically.

Are you really trying to . . . contact me?

I doubt it. After what I did? I must be going out of it. I think I'm losing my mind. Harry Styles died. Who's not going out of their mind?

Anyways, I don't know if I'll get better Harry. The guys are telling me to move on, but can I?

You'll get mad, won't you? You'll get mad if I move on, won't you? Do you want me to move on?

I don't know if I can move on. I love you too much Harry.

And where would I go? I'm completely lost without you. You were supposed to be my knight in shining armor, ready to carry me away on your trusty steed and lead me wherever I needed to go.

But you can't so that now, and it's all my fault.

But while I'm on the topic of ''moving on'', I suppose I should tell you that Zayn asked me out. . . .

I think it's only because he wants to pick me up off the ground, or maybe he pities me, but I'm fine with that. We don't love each other, but we're trying to be together, for my sake I suppose.

Are you mad at me? Do you hate me now? Are you hurt? Harry this is all my fault! First I basically killed you and now I'm making your afterlife miserable.

I think maybe that's why I've been having so many panic attacks and nightmares lately. But I deserve the pain and the suffering. You died because of me. I deserve it all. Everything.

But you didn't deserve to die.

Why did you leave me Harry? I miss you so . . . so much.

I'm crying now. I'll try not to get it all over the paper, since this belongs to you.

Since I belong to you.

I've been hiding this from the guys, by the way. They don't know I write in this. I'll try to not let them catch me, since this is a diary for you and only you. Nobody else can see it.

This is our little secret.

It's just between us. It makes me feel a little better.

I have to go, the boys are home. I'll write to you tomorrow.

Once every day, no matter what.

I miss you, I love you, don't forget me Hazza. Xx

You're not losing your mind, Louis. And I never left you. I'm right here, with you, everyday.

And yes, Louis, I want you to move on. I need you to move on. You deserve to be loved. I love you, and I don't want to see you hurt because of me. I don't want you thinking you're making me miserable. I think you should fall for Zayn, he's a great guy. You can move on Louis, I know you can. Be strong, baby, I'll be here until you do.

Even if it take forever.

You know something, Lou? I heard you singing. "Thinking of You" by Katy Perry. I heard it. You have an amazing voice. I felt like you were singing to me.

Maybe it was because you were singing to me.

And no, Louis, you don't deserve the pain. You never deserve pain.

Like I said, I never left. I'm still right here, writing back to you, forever and always. You may not be able to see me, but I'm here.

You can see my writing though, in our own little contact diary. Perfect.

I miss you too BooBear, and I love you forever. Forever and always. xxx