Lost In Love

1

Ammari's pov

Beautiful...
He is beautiful,

He is beautifully broken too when I first met him.

I was lightly damaged but he was broken.

I never understood him but I wanted to.

I fell into it.

Love....

I don't know what love is supposed to feel like.

But this feeling with him seems pretty close to me.

Right now I'm sitting in my car.
Holding a razor between my fingers.

Contemplating if I should proceed.

Maybe this will help me.

I feel too much pain
Everything hurts its unbearable.

I want it to stop.
I want to be numb.

I never hurt myself
I would question and wonder how someone reached that point.

To willingly hurt themselves.
To willingly end themselves.

I was thinking if I could exchange my emotional pain and mental instability with something.

Because from what I learned there always an exchange happening in life.

You want to eat something you give something for it.

You want someone you give them value and some time from the limited time we are alive.

So maybe I can exchange one kind of pain for another kind of pain.

So I lowered the sharp edge on to the skin of the wrist of my left hand.

It was already pink and raw from all the scratching I had done some time earlier.

I banged my head against the edge of a wall so I'd stop thinking of him and how I ruined everything.

It was my fault if you are wondering.

I'm stupid
And naive

I make mistakes but I didn't know I would end up paying for it with the best thing that had happened to me in a long, long, long time.

So when I fucked up bad.
And driving with tears in my eyes,
I wished for some random vehicle to slam into my car as hard as it could so I could get killed or seriously hurt so I don't need to hurt myself to stop the other pain.

Instead, people decided they will drive properly and nothing happened to me.

I had to buy myself a razor blade.

I never hurt myself physically on purpose.

But here I am.

The blade came into contact with my skin.
It's very sharp I can tell.

With minimal pressure I made a line of a few millimeters.

Blood didn't gush out but a few tiny drops began to make their way out of the opening I made on my skin.

I didn't feel much.
Odd.

That was FAST.

I make the line longer to about 6 centimeters.

I stop and look at my work.

I do feel less which is what I wanted.

But I never hurt myself.
I loved my Body

Only because I'm thin now.
Underweight.

I may even be slightly anorexic.
If someone tells me I look thin...
I rejoice inside.

I eat once a day.

I sleep for 4 or 5 hours.

I don't know how I will feel tonight.

Maybe I will need to cut up my arm further to be as blank as a white board in a school during summer break.

I broke his trust.
I am fucked up.

I don't even deserve him.
I breached his privacy.

I deserve to be hurt.
I deserve to die really.

I understand those girls now I think

Why they hurt...

But I understand them now I think.