Nelly and Sam

Present

Nelly was planning on running away. She had read, somewhere, that a change of scenery could help cure a depressive episode. Something similar to a cleanse.

Except this wasn't a depressive episode. This was her life. And her life was an endless, deep, dark spiral of dread and melancholy and loneliness. From the minute her head hit the pillow to every waking moment of everyday, she moved through the days like jelly.

At the back of a McDonald's, her boyfriend Jimmy waited for her. He smelled of coffee and weed. They kissed briefly, and after being in his car for a few moments, Nelly knew something was up. In retrospect, he had  been acting extra spontaneous lately; spending copious amounts of money on her, taking her to five star restaurants, buying her an abundance of clothes.

To Jimmy, Nelly was a virgin. She couldn't admit that somebody had taken that away from her without her permission. Not even to herself.

It would soon occur to Nelly, that he was trying to buy her virginity. At first, he brought out a necklace, then he brought out a condom.

Nelly looked around, "We're in a car, Jimmy."

"Come on. Just touch it. We've waited really long, you know." He cooed. She turned away from his puffy eyes- eyes that she knew hadn't been puffy from crying. "How high are you?"

"I only smoked a little bit."

"Well, I don't like the idea of you being high during our first time."

He put his boxers back on. "I'm sobering up, I smoked like two hours ago." He said. "Will you just... touch it?"

She let out a choked laugh. "You're so fucking charming." She said with a sad attempt to open the door.

Her boyfriend began putting his clothes back on. "Okay, let's talk. How do you feel?"

"Stupid."

"Aw, come on. Don't be like that. I'm sorry."

She looked away.

"I feel good." She said after a beat. "I feel nice, yeah. My boss said I can take some time off." He looked at her confusedly. "Because of the accident."

"Accident?"

"I fell down the stairs. I told you this already."

He took her hand in spite of the increasingly prominent line forming between her eyebrows. "I'm sorry." He said, earnestly this time, "I forgot. I've had a lot on my mind." Then he placed a kiss on her forehead, and then her cheek, and then her lips. Before she could stop it, her chair was reclining and his hands were up her skirt.

Her first time had been in the front seat of a car.

When you're depressed and with internet access, you spend an awful lot of time online. Researching drugs that cause quick and painless death, reading about others who are suicidal, writing about feeling suicidal yourself. For Nelly, it was forums. She adored forums. Seeing input from lonely minds who reasoned just like her made her feel not so alien. She logged into her computer, typing 'Is it illegal to possess cyanide?' into the search bar, and then, 'Where can I get cyanide?'

This led her to a deep, dark section of the inter-webs. A forum, of course, full of like-minded people who shared fast and effective methods for committing suicide.

appleeater69: 'Just learned today that apple seeds contain hydrogen cyanide (HCN), and consuming lots of these will probably kill you so I might just try this out! :D'

Nelly chuckled at this.

anonymous: '@appleeater69 So if I eat a whole bag of these I won't survive?'

appleeater69: '@anonymous I doubt you'll survive, yeah.'

jamesinawonderworld: 'You should all be ashamed of yourselves, talking about suicide like this. Don't you know you have the greatest gift of all? The gift of life, from our LORD God almighty, Jesus Christ? Disgusting generates.'

Nelly frowned at this one. He didn't understand, she thought. He didn't understand the feeling of your father pushing your seven year old mouth shut, a pistol to your head as he pushed in and out of you.

She had a bag of chips next to her, this was getting interesting.

chelsea_freeman: 'I tried drowning myself today. Super hard. I'm onto suicide attempt number 8 now. These apple seeds better work, I'm running out of ideas.'

sid: 'Wow I can kill myself eating my favorite fruit?? Sign me the FUCK UP'

fuckingyourgirlfrend: '@sid My exact thoughts.'

chaseacheque: 'Guysss, just overdose on heroin'

steph0: 'So many pathetic weaklings. You all really deserve to die; taking the easy way out.'

Nelly frowned again.

Leonardodicaprisun: 'I mean, technically we're doing you non-suicidal people a favor. By killing ourselves, we're decreasing the earth's population, which is skyrocketing by the way. Our numbers need to go down, so you're welcome.'

He made sense, Nelly thought.

When she was about to call it a night, a particular comment captured her interest.

smile: 'I'm going to get my hands on a shit ton of cyanide tonight. I won't let you know if it works, I'll let you know if it doesn't. Email me if you want some before I try it.'

The comment had been posted three years ago, but she still went to find their email, thinking maybe, just maybe, they were her way out.