All the Ways to Say "With Love" (Jimohnny)

Letter Thirty

Dear Johnny,

I did it.

I kissed Brian.

I plucked up some courage and cleaned myself up and shaved and went over to his house, just walking inside because you know we never knock.

He was sitting in the kitchen, looking out at the ocean through his bay window, having a smoke. He smiled when he saw me, motioning for me to sit next to him.

“Hey, Jimmy.” He said warmly as I sat tentatively at his side. “How are you?”

“I’m okay.” I replied, accepting the cigarette he offered me, lighting it up.

“How’s the kitten?” he asked, “Being wild?”

“Yeah.” I smiled as I recalled Trooper and her crazy ways, “She’s pretty wild.”

I fell into silence, eyes sweeping over the ocean, nervousness welling up in the pit of my stomach.

“Hey.” Brian said, “Are you really okay? Something’s wrong.” I looked over at him to see him frowning worriedly, “What’s up, Jims?”

And then, I had kissed him.

His lips were chapped and thin, not like yours, but they weren’t unpleasant. They actually felt rather nice, tasting heavily of smoke from his cigarette. It reminded me how much I had missed soft kisses, how much I’d missed times like this with you. I pulled away quickly though, feeling my heart thundering in my chest, and blush creeping across my cheeks.

He looked at me incredulously, then he whispered, “What the hell, Jimmy? What the actual fuck?”

And I broke down. I broke down and I sobbed to him and told him everything. I told him about the letters, even the ones I’m writing you, and how I just wanted to kiss him once before I left. I’ve never felt more vulnerable before, Johnny.

Have I told you Brian is my best friend?

He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me, which is so unlike Brian, he’s not a sentiment kind of guy, and he was crying too and we both just wept together, sobbing and wailing into each other’s shoulders. And when we had cried all our tears, he kissed me gently on the mouth, then on the cheek.

“I love you, Jimmy.” He whispered, “You know I love you, why would you ever leave me? How could you think of doing something like that to me? I’ve lost Johnny, and almost lost you once, how could you possibly want to leave me? I couldn’t handle it, Jimmy, I’d have to follow right after you.”

And he pressed his lips to my temple and we just stay there for a while. But then, sniffling, he pulled away. He told me about Michelle. “I love her so much, Jimmy, you know that. Don’t ask me to do something you know I can’t do. I love you too, but it’s in a different way and I can't… you can’t ask me to live that life. I’m straight, Jimmy, very much so, I just… can’t look at you that way. And I can’t leave Michelle, I just can’t. Please don’t ask me to leave her to be with you in order to keep you from joining Johnny. Because I’d do anything to keep you here, and I know I wouldn’t be able to say no, and I don’t want that. Please, Jimmy.”

Again, he touched me, reached right into my chest and tugged harshly on my heart strings. I shook my head, pressing my face into his neck. “No, no, Brian…” I whispered, “It’s not like that. I just… wanted to try it. I wanted to kiss you once before I-I left. I understand you love Michelle, I understand we’re only friends. I don’t want to be anything more. I just- I just wanted…” and I sobbed again, “I want Johnny.”

He sighed heavily and whispered, “Kissing me won’t bring him back, Jims.”

“No, but it makes me feel better.” I replied quietly, and he kissed me again. Softly, tenderly, his calloused fingers splaying over my cheeks. And I felt a pain in my heart, because I do want Brian like that, I do want him to hold me all the time, to kiss me like that whenever I feel sad. But it’s something that will never happen.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, and he gave me a small, sad smile.

Or maybe I just want it from you so bad that I’ll take it from anyone.

Anyway, we went down to the basement and played around on his guitars.

I love you, Johnny. And I love Brian.

And I promise you, I’m going to stay right here.

With love,

Jimmy