It was cold. I came out here in shorts, my pj top and my jacket. Why shorts? Why would I cut my arms? Everyone would see.
I sat on the roof of the garage, the shard of glass in my hand. I pressed it into my palm. I dropped the glass. I watched the blood drip from my palm onto the garage roof. It hurt. But I deserved the pain. After everything I've put everyone through I deserve it.
Actually... I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it at all an-
I heard the sound of someone climbing the front ladders. I quickly stepped on my shard of glass and ran backwards and jumped off the roof into the tree, hoping I'd manage to grab hold of it.
But when I'd jumped I hadn't got car, someone had grabbed my arm and I'd been pulled backwards, I hit the side of the garage hard. I kept trying to get them to let go but they wouldn't. I was too scared to look up, I knew exactly who it was.
"Stop struggling Annie or I'll drop you!" He hissed quietly.
"Good! Let me go! I don't care! You'll be doing the world a favour!" I sobbed, hoping he'd see reason and let me go.
Instead my words had only put more fuel in his engine and he pulled me up, causing him to fall onto his back. He pulled me down with him.
"Luka let me go..." I pleaded as I fought him. His grip was tight and he was stubborn as hell so I knew there was no way I was getting out of this.
"Annie stop!" He said sternly. When people spoke to me in that tone it never had any effect on me.
"Let me go!" I fought harder.
He sighed. "Annie please stop..." he said softly, his grip changing from a death grip to a tight hug.
Usually I'd just lean into it and hug him back but tonight was not a usual night. I put myself in a position that to anyone else would look like I was just laying on him with my head rested on my elbow. In reality, I was lining up my elbow.
I shoved my elbow hard at his chest and he released me, I got up and ran to my pile of shattered glass. I picked up on piece and started cutting my leg. Luke sighed. He was finally giving up.
"You know what Annie? Suit yourself. Just know this. Where you go I go. You ride I ride. You die, I die with you." He climbed down the ladders and I hear him run across the stones.
I sat in silence for a while, slowly guiding the small shard of glass across my thigh, watching the blood drop down onto the roof. Fourteen cuts total. I'd never gone that far in one night. But this was the night I planned to make myself bleed out.
I didn't even panic when I heard someone walk across the stones. I just kept cutting. I didn't stop when hey came up the ladders. Didn't stop when the footsteps stoped right behind me.
"Go away Luke. I don't want to see anyone and you know why." I whispered.
But then a very young boy spoke. "I know. You'll stop. You won't do it." I realised who it was.
I looked across to my little brother Oscar's bedroom window, which was wide open and had a ladder under it, and then looked over the edge of the garage, and saw Luke standing by the ladder, holding Oscars bathrobe.
I slowly turned around, wincing at the pain in my leg. Oscar sat down beside me, and revealed a damp cloth. He started wiping my legs. I didn't stop him.
"They're not deep are they?" He asked.
"No." I said.
"Good." He continued to clean my legs in silence.
I watched him closely. Studied everything possible. His eyes, his mouth, his cheek, his hands, arms, anything hat would tell me anything.
His eyes were hurting. His mouth was a fake smile. He cheeks were red from the cold. His arms and hands shook from a mixture of the cold and fear.
He stopped. My leg was clean. He looked up at me. "Don't leave." He pleaded.
"Come here." I opened my arms to him. He say closer to me, his hip against mine. I opened my jacket and wrapped it around him and pulled him into me.
"Don't go Alyssa. Please." He sobbed.
I hugged him tight and rocked him back and forth as he cried, until he stopped crying. I stopped rocking him and held him at arms length.
"Oscar I am so sorry... I never knew it'd cause anyone this much pain..." I said quietly, holding back a sob and tears.
I hugged my little brother tightly. He cried into my shoulder. "Promise me something?" He sobbed. I nodded. "Don't ever leave me. Don't ever hurt yourself on purpose. Ever." He whispered.
That's when it hit. I wasn't worthless. I had a purpose. The world would be different if I left. Because this kid would be upset. I need this kid as much as he needs me.
My purpose was my family.
"I promise oscar."
