Painful Separation

Introduction

You said you will marry me and accept me for who I am. You lied. I know I'm nothing compared to your first wife and your son, Jai but I have been trying my ass off. Did you ever give me a chance? All you ever did was doubt my sincerity. I love the little boy more than myself yet you couldn't comprehend that. Why is it so wrong for me to love him? I love him more than life itself and I hope one day you will realize that but for now I'll be going away and I hope he doesn't ask where his "mama zaa" because I can't look at him in the eye and tell him that papa doesn't want me anymore and no matter what I do I'll never be good enough. Although this was just a fake, contract marriage but my feelings were sincere. I'm gone just like what you wanted.

I came back because of my mother-in-law. She thinks I went to Ireland to study. You're good at covering up your own ass. I couldn't control my tears when I saw Jai at the airport. He was only 3 when I left him because of you. Not a day went by when I don't think about him. He's five now. Thank god, he still remembers his "mama zaa". He runs to me and I fall onto the ground. I couldn't control my emotions it's so raw and yet you still think I'm faking it. I knew about your status before we got married. I was glad because I never want to have kids on my own. Mummy said you went to Ireland to visit me several times. I don't know where the heck you went but you weren't by my side. Why d'ya lie? Feel guilty? I look at you but I can't look at you in the eyes. You've hurt me too much. You lean in and tell me to pretend to look like we're this happily married perfect couple so your mum won't realize that we're are far from perfect. I played along but I went a step further because I want to restart this relationship. Is there really a pause, play, stop and restart button in life? Please tell me. I leaned in and I kissed you on the cheek while placing my hand gently on your chest. Something I've always wanted to do since the first day we got married but you wouldn't let me. Oh, how I've missed you. But you're still rock hard. I'm sorry but I love my own husband.