In my head

Panic Attacks

What does it feel like?!

Let me tell you. It's horrible. The voice. Oh the voice. How I wish it would leave. First it tells you that everything is and was your fault. Tying rocks to your feet, pulling you down from reality. Making you believe that if you just stayed at home, everyone's lives would be so much better. If you locked yourself from reality, everyone would be so much happier. 

Then comes the tears. Tears that feel like acid, burning, scolding your face. They don't stop, you try holding them back, but it's like a barrier, a barrier that's just waiting to break. And it does, spilling, flowing, flooding. Everyone can see. You become the center of attention. You don't want to be, but you are. They worry, but what is there to worry about, it's just me being stupid.

Breathless. Shaking. Crying. That's all people can see. Sometimes they can't even see at all. You're just staring into space. Thoughts filling up the room. Drowning you. You want to move, to stand up, to get air. But you can't. Its like you're glued down. Legs tremble as you cover your ears just hoping that the voice will disappear. But it doesn't.

Four walls, collapsing inwards, trapping you in your position. There's no escape, the room becomes smaller. Voices become louder. Life becomes scarier. Every voice is like a loud drum, banging in my ear. The voice in my head is screaming by now. Telling me I'm doing this for attention. I didn't ask for this. I was trying to respect people and just relax. It tells you that all these people are going to hurt you, someone's going to stab you,  you aren't safe. But you are, you are safe, no ones going to hurt you. No one but that voice. Yelling to me that I'm better of somewhere else. Shaking it off becomes painful when the four walls collapse in on your head. 

You become trapped. Trapped in your own mind. Yelling for help. No one can hear. You begin hurting others with actions and words. I say you, but its not really you. It's anxiety. Controlling you. Drowning you in your own thoughts. There's no going back. You've already cried. You're already shaking. But still, you can't scream. Instead you wish for this to pass by. You wish this wouldn't happen. That anxiety would just accept the fact of reality. But it doesn't , it makes you hate reality. Scared to face it each day.

Time passes. The voices become quieter. The room becomes bigger. You begin to feel okay again. But then you realize what happened. You begin to think you've ruined everyone's day. Messaging them all them all, telling them your sorry. But how can it be your fault if your not in control. 

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A/N : Hello, this is my first one. If anyone who knows me personally reads these. Please don't feel like they are aimed at you. I promise I'll tell you if they are. Anyways , if you have read this far already, remember you are totally worth it. Please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to or just for someone to listen. I don't want anyone to feel alone . J x