Heaven

                I open my eyes groggily, head spinning, brain clouded with drowsiness. All I can see, for the moment, is a bright, white light. Where am I? As my vision clears, I continue to faintly ponder my situation. I can now see that I'm in an enormous room, walls painted white, floor of marble stone. There's an ethereal haze hanging in the air. How did I get here?

I push myself to my feet, stumble a bit, then regain my balance. I can see a brown door at the far end of the room, and what looks like a sign sits next to it on the wall. I shuffle closer to the door, it's a few hundred yards away. Why is this room so huge?

As I approach the door, I can make out the black lettering on the sign. It is written in comic sans, all lowercase letters.

"welcome 2 heaven"

"Heaven." It all suddenly comes back to me— the tree. The ball pit. The horde of fat construction workers. It all adds up now.

"I'M DEAD!" I exclaim to myself, gripping my hair between my fingers and breaking into a cold sweat. I'm seized with panic now— no, calm down! This could all just be a dream. Plus, the comic sans font isn't very promising. I close my eyes and calmly reach for the door handle, but before I can lay a finger on it, it unlocks with a click, and creaks open slowly. That was easy.

When I direct my vision to what lies outside the door, my eyes meet a sight that I never would have expected. A sight so strange, so surreal, that my jaw drops. What lay outside is a bright, bustling city full of skyscrapers made of shiny metals. The streets are packed with cars passing by, destinations unknown. The restaurants and shops on the roadside were immersed with... Wait a second.

The restaurants and shops on the roadside are immersed with... creatures? Purple fuzzy puffballs walk upright on pairs of thin, gangly legs. Bright green slug-like beings that leave trails of gooey slime wherever they slither. A line of tiny one-eyed, scaly blue reptiles that strut single file, constantly slipping and tripping on the slime left by the slugs. I can hear many of the fallen ones yelling phrases such as "Flubnugget!" "Cherzinger!" and "Lugbottom!" Perhaps these are insults, or curse words.

I look to the left— there is a small, pink and white monster who appears to only be a child— he's beating what looks like a dog with a long rod. The dog, who, upon closer look, has three faces, is trying to bite the rod with each of his mouths while yapping playfully and wagging its cone-shaped tail.

To my right, I see two huge, white, round-headed monsters playing a game of what appears to be go fish, except using actual fish. One is flopping around on the table, but neither monster seems to notice.

Suddenly, I hear a woman's shriek from my left. "THE NEW LORD HAS ARRIVED!"

I turn to see a dark-magenta colored octopus-toad hybrid pointing a long, thick tentacle at me. Everyone in the vicinity immediately stops, and they all turn to look in my direction. I can feel their eyes burning into the back of my skull. What in hell— excuse me, *heaven*— is this all of this?

The child monster who was previously beating a dog approaches me carefully, and clutches both of my hands, holding them up to his face. He gasps, and whispers, "It's true..." He turns to the crowd. "He's the new lord! He's the new lord! He has them! He has ten fingers! Look, look!"

Before I can react, everyone is swarming around me. Their smell makes me uncomfortable, a smell that reminds me of the bad-tasting medicine I had taken as a child. "It's a miracle!" "We're saved!" "Can you autograph my right leg?" "Wow, he's even got a mustache!" "Can you help me get my car into my garage? It won't fit!"