Pain

I have never failed to feel pain.

I am 7 years old. I'm a straight A student, with some help to concentrate. I am short. I wear glasses. I am awkward. I am weak. All that keeps me safe on the playground is my speed. I cling to the porch railing as my mother tries to drag me to the bus that takes me to the indoctrination facility, where I experience only hate without reason.

I have never failed to feel pain.

I am 10 years old. We pack up everything we own and leave without saying goodbye to the only friend I've ever had. Our destination is 200 miles north. The city. A place I want nothing to do with. I can only sit in the U-haul and cry as my father fills the tank at the gas station.

I have never failed to feel pain.

I am 10 years old. I am hated yet again, for reasons unknown. A young girl loves me, but my heart aches as I watch her cry, the hatred spilling from me to her. She can't handle it like I've had to for so long. They try to hurt us on the playground like many had before, but I've grown stronger. I stop them. Her and I are sitting at a table across from teachers and a principle. They want us to end our relationship because it's causing trouble in class. Why must I change because of the actions of others? Why am I punished for being the victim? Once more torn from my only friend.

I have never failed to feel pain.

I am 11 years old.
"Wanna be my friend?"
"Sure."
I should have known by his direct asking that something was off. For the next several years he would go on to crush every chance at a social life I ever had. A friendship would start. But each time he would cut it off at the roots and make them run from me like they'd been lit ablaze. No one could handle his lack of maturity, his know-it-all attitude, and his constant, egotistical comments and insults. No matter how hard I pushed away from him, and how much I tried to make him hate me, he always came back to crush everything.

I have never failed to feel pain.

I am 15 years old. I'm still a straight A student, despite the hardships. But that's about to change. I'm taking a break from social studies homework. Suddenly my heart starts to pound and my entire body relaxes with exhaustion. My eyelids droop and my mouth hangs partially opened, my breathing labored and choppy. From that evening, my health declines. I can't make it to school. My grades go from As to Ds and Fs within a couple months. I struggle to stay afloat, but it's no use. I've almost quit going to school all together. What's the point?

I have never failed to feel pain.

I am 17 years old. I've been offered a way to make it through high school with a diploma. Finally some good news. Luckily I'm able to choose to do this in the evenings, as mornings would be impossible for me. I work hard. I break through the barriers as well as I'm able... and I pass. I walk across the stage and take my diploma. My parents are proud. I've accomplished something even my father didn't. But my only reward is loneliness. I'm not capable of working a job. My body is self destructing. I have no true friends. My family doesn't understand me. I have no transportation, and nowhere to go anyway. I have nothing to do that my body can do. I have nothing. Only time. Too much time.

I have never failed to feel pain.

I am 19 years old. I've lost 13% of my body weight because my stomach cannot contain the things I eat. The pain of taking in food is greater than the pain of hunger. I will starve to death. But why not? Survival is not rewarded. Only punished.

I am 19 years old, at peace with death, when suddenly life becomes precious. I have something to live for. A beautiful young woman with a heart as battered as my own. Love crushes the mental pain, and outweighs the physical pain. I must survive. She needs me... and I need her.

Is the pain fading?...

I am 20 years old. The pain is returning as I realize I am making no progress. My heart pushes forward as my body pushes backward, and my mind sits like an anchor between them. Her pain returns as well, and from both sides, it drives between us like a splitting wedge. Our hearts break and we must pull away before we destroy each other and ourselves.
I still love her. I will continue to try to be everything she deserves. She is still worth living for... but life still hurts. At least the physical part is hardly noticeable.

I have never failed to feel pain.