Brendon, My Best Friend

Fear of Falling Apart

"hey" you heard a deep husky voice say to you tiredly. "oh. Brendon. Hi" you said back, giggling a bit. He reached over and smoothed your hair down. He gave you one of his cute half smirks that you loved. "You are probably the only person I know that can fall asleep during the grudge," he said laughing. " I'm a pretty good sleeper," you said, in a cocky tone. "What do you want for breakfast?" you asked him, while sitting up, reaching over, and grabbed his face with your stretched out hand. " doesn't matter," he said laughing, and reaching his mouth up to lick your hand. " eww! no thanks!" you yelled, and wiped his drool on his bare chest. "now you get nothing!" you fake yelled at him. You jumped out of your bed and walked barefoot downstairs. You smiled to yourself, thinking how sexy Brendons morning voice was. "Wait, what am I thinking," you said to yourself. " I don't want to lose my best friends just because a stupid crush. And he would never like me. Of all the gorgeous girls in LA, he would never choose me," you thought. You felt kind of a sinking feeling in your stomach. "Whatever" you thought. You remembered that Brendons favorite food from high school, pop tarts. You put them into the toaster and decided not to have breakfast. You looked down at your right thigh and noticed a series of long pinkish-red lines were peeking out from your spandex. The cuts were about 5 days old, but still very visible. You did not want anyone to know. Especially Brendon, because he would treat you like a mentally unstable child, and would be way to worried about you. You had managed to hide this horrible habit from him for 2 years now, and was not going to stop now. You pulled down your shorts enough to cover them. The toaster popped and you put the pop tarts onto a plate, and walked back upstairs. You lightly pushed open the door to your room, and saw Brendon standing 3 ft away from you, looking like he was about to cry. You noticed that he was holding a box. A small grey box. The box that you kept in your closet. The box that had every single one of your blades in it. Your stomach muscles tensed like you had just been punched. You felt your mouth dry, and your throat tighten into a not. You looked into Brendons watery eyes, and you could feel your bottom lip start to shake, and your vision became blurred by tears. You set the pop tarts on the desk beside you and walked to Brendon with your head down. You wrapped your arms around his waist, and buried your face into his chest. Then you felt two muscular arms close around your upper back, and hold you protectively. You quietly cried into his black t-shirt, while he slowly rocked you side to side with him. He put his chin on your head, and took in a heavy, choppy, breath. He pushed you away and looked into your tear filled eyes, his eyes still red, "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, in a disappointed tone. You could tell you had hurt him. "Because," you said stuttering, and trying to fight off the wave of tears that you could feel prickling your eyes once again. "Because, you shouldn't have to deal with this, with me! You didn't sign up for this," You wailed, feeling the tears stream down your cheeks again. Brendon was silent for what felt like hours. "You are the most amazing person I have ever met. You are fuckin excellent, and it kills me that you can't see that. You could never be a burden on me. Ever," he finally said. You could hear the shake in his voice. "I just... you already have so much to worry about. I didn't want to add my fucked up self onto the pile. I just didn't want you to worry about me," you said, wiping the back of your hand across your eyes. "I need you to understand, that you, are so much more important than anything I will ever be dealing with. You mean the world to me, and I would drop anything in a heartbeat just to make sure you are ok," Brendon said back, taking your wrists in his hands. He gently turned your palms to face the celing before looking at you for reassurance, you gave him a barley noticeable nod, and he slowly slid up the sleeves of his sweater that you were wearing. The clustered rows of deep red gashes became visible and you cringed at the sight of them. Brendon ran his cold thumbs over the scars and said nothing for a long time. "Are they on your legs too?" he asked quietly. " The right one," you mumbled with detectable shame in your voice. "ok," Brendon said back, taking a deep breath. He let go of your wrists and pulled you in for a really tight hug. You just inhaled his smell, while his big arms held your body against his protectively. You could feel his uneven breathing. "I'm so sorry," he mumbled against the top of your head where he rested his chin. " Brendon, its not your fault. There is no way you could have known. I didn't want you to," you mumbled back against his chest. You could tell he was angry at himself by the tone in his voice. " I should have known. I should have helped you. I should have, but I didn't," he said back. You pulled away from his hug and looked him in the eyes. " Brendon, this is not your fault. And no, you shouldn't have had to be there for me, because this is my fault. I did this to myself. No one else did," you said to him. Brendon took a deep breath, " I don't know what I would do without you. Promise me I will never have to live without you?" he asked with a serious tone. "I promise I will never leave, I need you too," you said back reassuringly. "And, one more promise," he said. " That you will never do this again," he said, emphasizing the 'never'. You stared out the window and stayed silent for a few seconds. "I promise," you finally said. He pulled you in for a hug again, this time, squeezing you as hard as he could. You didn't mind though. You felt safe. Like nothing could hurt you anymore. You kept your palms pressed against his chest. He finally let go, and said, " I think I should go home and get ready. If you are still up for the pier," he said questioningly. "Of course i'm still up for the pier," you said back with a small smile. "ok, I'll be back here in an hour." he asked. "ya," you answered him. "ok, bye," he said. And walked out the door to your room quietly, scooping up the pop tarts off the plate as he shut your door behind him. You heard your front door shut and watched him walk over to his bike through your window. he stopped and put his forehead is his right hand. He stayed like that for a while.  He kept his other fist clenched, untill he pulled on his helmet and started his motorcycle. You watched him pull out of the driveway and turn the corner. You could tell he was still angry at himself. You felt horrible for making him feel that way. You decided to get ready and walked into your bathroom to shower. You peeled off your clothes and stepped into the hot stream of water. You felt the water dribble down your arms, and they started to sting. The pain only lasted for about a minute. You washed your hair and body, and shaved your legs. You got out and put your hair up into a towel turban. You walked over to your closet and picked out a black american eagle crop top with white polka dots, and a keyhole back, a pair of high waisted 3 button black shorts, and your matching corral bra and thong. You pulled on the clothes and went back into the bathroom. You pulled out your makeup bag and fished around for the bb cream. You had almost blemish-free skin, so you didn't apply a lot. Then you did a simple white and brown eye, and dramatic black eyeliner. You applied 2 coats of mascara, and your favorite light plum coloured lipstick. You took your hair out of the towel and turned on your blow drier, brushing through your hair while blasting it with a stream of hot air. Once it was dry, you checked the wall clock and saw that Brendon would be here in 12 minutes. You hurried, pulling your large barrel curling wand out from under the sink, and plugged it in. It heated up fast, and you went to work, making large free-flowing curls in your hair. You turned the curler off and ran to your shelf with all your acessories on it. You pulled  out a black ban dana and rolled it up. you tied it around your head, and slid it up, pulling the front of your hair back. You slid on 3 of your favorite knuckle rings, and a aztec printed necklace. You spritzed on your favorite perfume. You heard the rumble of an engine in your driveway, then it stopped. You heard someone knock on your door. You ran to the top of the stairs and yelled "come in," loudly. You ran back into your room and pulled on a pair of ankle socks and your white vans. You heard your front door shut and ran to go greet Brendon. You shouved your phone into a small purse and ran down the stairs. You ran towards Brendon screaming "OH MY GOD!!! BRENDON! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN AGES!!!." "OH LOOK HOW MUCH TALLER YOU HAVE GOTTEN," he squealed, and grabbed your cheeks,playing along. You both burst out laughing and he pulled you in for a hug. You grabbed your blue and white penny board that was leaning on the wall and followed Brendon out the door. He already had his skateboard under his arm. You both started riding down the driveway and out into the street. You talked and stayed at the same speed as each other. It was a short ride, given that the pier was only 6 minutes away. You both got off your boards and began walking towards the pier. You both saw "the bench" and ran to it as fast as you could. "The bench" was where you two first spoke to each other on, 6 years ago. You had came back to it many, many, times after that day. You could name all the things carved into it off by heart. You always sat on the left side, and Brendon sat on the right. You had carved 3 things into it. The Nirvana logo being the first, after you, Brendon, and callie had become obsessed with them. Then 'wasted youth' into it, after you and your parents had got into a fight 5 years ago, and your mom had called you 'a disappointment', after that, you went out of your way to do anything your mom would not approve of. Thats how you and your friends had ended up in LA. And the last, was you and Brendons name, so that you could always remember each other. You traced the Nirvana logo with your index finger, letting a small smile cross your face. Brendon put his arm around you, pulled you into him, and rested his head on yours. You loved it when he did that. But you were scarred. You knew full well what you were doing. What you were feeling. But you couldn't stop it. You, were falling, for Brendon. And you hated yourself for it.