And she's doing everything I couldn't

She's Doing Everything I Couldn't

dear almost,
    we almost did it. we almost, gave each other everything. that's the key word, almost. and almost is all it will ever be, and i can't say i lost you because you were never mine. yet i feel a huge whole inside me, where you used to be. it's crazy how someone who wasn't even yours can mean so much to you, and they can vanish out of your life with just one simple mistake. i messed up, i really did. sometimes i think to myself "obviously he wasn't a true friend, and i should have ditched long before. maybe then i wouldn't have been so attached" but when i'm up at 2 am with my messed up sleep schedule, and i scroll past a picture of us.. it hits me. i screwed up everything.. i don’t know exactly how i screwed up but maybe if i would have done something differently we would have been something more than just an 'almost'. but you're gone, and i'll never have a place in your life like i once did. and i'm sorry, and i know 'sorry' doesn't fix anything and i wish their was a way to change what happened but things will never be the same. i’m sorry things didn’t work out how we planned. just know that, i miss you. 
     there are some people, you can’t imagine life with out. the person you adore, more than anything. they aren’t your boyfriend or girlfriend and you aren’t in love or anything like that. just a best friend, or something a little bit more and you fell in love with their presence. with a little spark. you were my spark.
    let me start from the beginning. it was so long ago, but it only seems like yesterday that we were waiting for each other by our lockers to walk to class together. i can’t remember how it all started exactly, but i think it was those bright green eyes that got my attention. i had seen other people, with eyes who were just as bright and brought my attention. oh but his eyes, had something about them that made my heart skip a beat. or maybe it was his laugh, god that laugh. i felt my insides tense up when he smiled. I guess we will never really know for sure. I had so many questions but didn't know where to start or if it would really matter to you. Because she's your priority now. I never really let jealousy get to me to bad. Until that moment. The moment I saw the girl you wanted so desperately was my best friend.  Some how I blame myself for all of this. You choose her over me and once again all I ever was, was the second choice. I hate myself everyday because of it I'm always the second pick but I guess I understand why. It's almost like this, your walking and you find and penny on the floor at first you feel lucky and then you walk farther and find a dime you forget about the penny and you feel even more lucky because you have the dime. I guess I was upset because she got you so easily with no effort at all. I tried so hard to keep you, to keep us, to keep our spark. But I guess you didn't care to keep our spark bright  like I did. You never thought about the effort I put in. Think of it like this, you have a glass of water, with no ice. You want ice because the water slightly warm. I don't have ice but I blow on the water and fan it with my hands to try to make it meet your expectations and satisfy you. Then all of the suddon someone walks by with ice you instantly go to them because they have what you want and just like that they can give you everything I couldn't.  All I ever wanted for you was happiness, for you to have the world because that's what you deserved. No matter how much I hated you and wanted to move on. I couldn't. I told myself "he's happy. It happened for the better." But oh no silly me thinking it would be that easy to just let you go. I had to stand on the sidelines and watch while she catches your attention with no effort. Some days I'm over it, other days I'm not. This day I just happened to not be over it. I saw you two sitting a little closer than usual so I took out a pen and paper and started writing you a letter that said
"dear you,
I swear I am over you some days I wake up with a smile on my face and go days without thinking of you and I couldn't be more satisfied with life but when I passed the fairgrounds where we watch the sunset from the bleachers or when I scroll past a picture of us or when I pass the class we had together where I first caught feelings I'm not okay for a few minutes.I imagine what would happen if you showed up at my doorstep, what I run into your arms and forget everything we have ever done to each other or would I slammed the door in your face I know I said I'm over you but either you always love them or you never did at all and my God I loved you, but our love didn't fit just didn't go the way we planned which made us go our separate ways. Now I look at you happy as ever with the girl of your dreams and she is doing everything I couldn't.