Now and for the Last Time

2 장

"You know," Gayeon called out from inside my closet, "this job of yours is really putting a pause on my love life."

"You always say that." I said.

"And I always mean it." There was a thump, followed by something falling. "Wow. Is this red dress really strapless? How unlike you. I'm trying it on. Jae, turn around."

I looked over at her younger brother, who was standing by my desk, reading one of my textbooks. He pushed up his glasses, sighed, then turned around. Meanwhile, I shifted her baby sister, Yun, to my other hip, trying to get her away from tugging on my hair. As I did, he gummed my shoulder, leaving a streak of spit on my T-shirt. Since she had two working parents juggling with their businesses, a visit from Gayeon was always a family affair.

"Okay," she announced after a moment, emerging in a red sundress that was two small for her. Also, not strapless last I checked. But Gayeon liked things tight and short, all the better to show off her curves. As much as it was not my personal style, I had to admire her body confidence. Most girls at my school were always talking about diets and thigh gaps, but my best friend had always been the one that's difference. It was one of a million things I loved about her. "What do you think?"

"That there are straps," I pointed out, coming over and wriggling one loose. "See?"

She glanced over her shoulder. "Oh. Well, they're slim at least. Can you get the other one?"

I did as I was told as Yun tried to reach for her, chubby fingers grabbing. Gayon always came to my house in one outfit and left in another. I had an entire rack in the closet of her clothes, as organized as my own, which she ignored every time she went in there.

"So, about tonight," she said, wiggling an arm under the strap and adjusting her breasts into the bodice. I was a hopeful B cup, and she was a legit C cup, so she always added to my clothes a va-voom twist I couldn't even hope for. "The guys are meeting us late night at Bendy's, after the last band plays."

She then turns around, presenting her back for me to do the zipper. "You can come after the event. You said you'd be done early, right?"

"No. I said it was a six o'clock wedding. It'll be ten or after."

"That dress is too tight," Jae said in his signature monotone. It was the way he'd talked since he was a baby and the family had moved in behind us. At the time, Gayeon and I were twin, he was two, and the twins and Yun weren't around yet. Gayeon's parents were busy when it came to everything, including procreating.

"Don't worry about me. Just read your book," she replied to him, pushing up her breasts a bit.

"It's Suzy's book," he grumbled, and flipped a page. "Also Yun needs changing."

So that was what I smelled. Jae, wicked smart and socially awkward, was always a step ahead of the rest of us. Without comment, Gayeon took Yun from me, plopped her on the floor, handed her one of her bracelets to gum on, and continued.

"Enough with the excuses, okay?" she said to me. "It's been almost a year. Time to get back out there. You can't hide behind work forever."

"And 'out there' is a club?"

"In this case, yes."

"Germs cause viruses," Jae interrupted. "And viruses make you sick."

"Just come, listen to some music, we'll hit a party or two," Gayeon continued, as Yun crawled under my bed. "It'll be fun, I promise."

"Wait a second. You didn't say anything about a party. Or parties, plural."

She let out a deep breath. "Suzy," she said, reaching out, and talking me by arms, "I'm your best friend. I know what you've been through, and I know you're scared. But we are still young. Life is ahead of us. What a privilege, right? Don't waste it."

This was the thing about Gayeon. In many ways, she was over-the-top, a big, loud, spirited girl who doesn't care what others think of her. She always had at least two of her siblings with her, in my clothes, and was well-bent on finding me another boyfriend, even if - and especially - when I didn't want one. And yet for all these frustrations, and our opposite personalities, every one in a way she could say something like this, heartfelt and direct, and very true. Her heart, as misguided as it is, always managed to zero out everything else. What a privilege, indeed.

"I'll try to get there," I told her.

"That's all I ask." She leaned forward and kissed my left cheek just as her phone beeped. Pulling it from her bodice - her personal storage - she looked at the screen. "The twins need to go to gymnastics. I totally forgot."

"I hate gymnastics," Jae groaned. "The place smells like mats and feet."

"He's not wrong," Gayeon agreed, checking herself in the mirror again. The she looked into my closet, raising a brow. "Wait, are those new sandals I see back there? Hold up!"

With this, she moved around me, past the rows of my everyday shoes and into a corner of the closet, reaching out to grab a pair of thin black sandals with a gold ring closure I'd worn only once. Just seeing them dangling from her hand, straps hooked over her thumb, made my heart sink. "No," I said, my voice sounding harsh, more abrupt than I meant. "Not those."

She looked down at them, then at the place they'd been, away from the others. A beat, and she got it. Quietly, she placed them on the floor. "Oh, right," she said. "Sorry."

I didn't say anything, just tried to collect myself - why was this still so hard? - as she bent down to pick up Yun. I felt Jae watching me,  his face somber as usual, and even though I knew he was just a kid and knew nothing, I had to turn away.

They left a few minutes later with the usual noise involved in any scene change, Yun crying while Gayeon and Jae argued down the stairs. Once out in the backyard, she looked up at my window, waving her hand, and I waved back, then watched as they opened the gate between our houses.

In my room, things were quiet in that special way they only were when Gayeon and her siblings left the house. As a family they were a lot to handle, for sure, but I couldn't imagine what my life would have been like if they had never moved in. My own house was so clean and still, just my mom and me, everything in order. Knowing their brand of dependable chaos was always nearby was a comfort from day one. We all need to lose ourselves in a crowd once in a while.

But I was alone now as I went back into the closet. There in that small, dark space, I picked up the black sandals and put them where'd they been, in the corner under a black dress, also worn only one time. They no longer felt like mine, as much as another girl's from another time. And yet, I still couldn't get rid of them. Not yet.