“Just shut up!” I screamed holding my head. Stupid. Special ed. Pathetic, the voices rung in my head. I grasped on my head even more. “I can’t take this anymore! They never shut up! They’re always tormenting me!”
For the past two years, these voices have been in the back of my head; nothing but them. I say they are monsters for they control my actions and try to force acts of malice. I began rocking in the corner of my room. In between breaths I said, “Corners are nice,” breath, “yeah, they are,” breath, “comforting from these monsters.” Beads of sweat developed on my forehead and upper lip and tears began to well up in my eyes.
I began to rock back and forth looking around scared like something was going to come at me. Voices continued to ring this time even more mockingly, we’re going to come and get you, Samantha, what a lovely name for a gravestone, and you should just hang yourself, you pathetic piece of crap. I whispered with tears streaming down my cheeks, “no! No I won’t! You can’t control me!” I continued rocking with my arms tucked in between my thighs and stomach. But I know you want to die. Trust me, I know all of your thoughts and desires. Aggression began to build in my tone, “No! You don’t! You only know what you make my mind sound like!” I stood up quickly… a little too quickly and thus fainted on the floor in the corner of my room. My body fell with a thud against the hardwood floor. At least for now the voices will shut up, unless they find a way into my dreams.
Light sunlight shone through my partially closed blinds into my eyes waking me up. I pulled out my phone from my pocket: 6:37am. I sat up and did a few stretches to wake myself up. “Ok, good I’m at least not late.” I began changing from yesterday’s clothes to a small Black Veil Brides t-shirt, one row studded choker, black and blue pyramid studded belt, black skinny jeans, black and blue plaid no-show socks, and black and blue checkered slip-on vans. I then styled my hair. I teased it here and there, put in extensions in the back, and then finalized it all with freeze hairspray. I quickly grabbed my bag and a poptart pouch and speed walked out the door and quickly locked it. I ran to my bus stop at the corner of my street. I only had to wait about five minutes until the bus showed up. Oh how I dread this bus ride, there’s next to no one on the bus and I don’t really like the people on it but one girl.
Once we got to school I forgot just how many people a small school can have especially after having a panic attack the night before. My breathing increased a bit and I was cautious who I ran into or passed by. Sweat slightly build up on my forehead for I was anxious about everything. Later in the day I went to algebra class, how that ruined my day even more. I had received an ‘F’ on a test that I apparently missed every single question on. I got so filled with rage, not with the teacher though. I whispered under my breath, “I know I knew this stuff! Why did I do this bad?” I punched my thigh to teach myself a lesson. I tried holding back the voices in my head, but I was just too weak from last night’s episode. The voices then returned once again to torment me, hey there, stupid. I see you are definitely are. I knew you truly were special ed. I whispered so no one in class would notice, “shut up! I don’t care!” I then decided to get up and ask my teacher if I may go to the counselor to talk to her about these voices. So my teacher walked me to her office, but she was not there. Apparently the counselor was busy so I had to go to the nurse, thus being sent home.
Once home, I set my backpack down by the couch and just lied down to relax. The voices had subsided. Just lying there felt good. At least I got out of the rest of the day of stressful classes. Though I felt relaxed, I was scared the voices would return. While thinking about various things such as cheese, dogs, anime, and various music, the thought of ‘why are my friends so sad around me?’ came across. I sat up and began walking around still thinking more. What would fix this? I hate hurting people especially my friends. The solution immediately came to my mind: try to be happier around them will make them feel better and it will combat my voices! What a great solution!
After my resolution, I immediately felt better. I was more the real me I usually am. I was filled with energy and randomness. No longer did the voices control me. When I got in situations where they usually would mock me, I just stood up (not literally) and said, ‘I’m much stronger than you!’ My friends also were much more energetic around me. I guess people’s emotions really do affect other people’s emotions.
One of my friends came up to me and exclaimed, “Dude… bacon.” Then ran off. I fell over laughing. Before, it this same situation was just, “hi” then “hi” and then we both walked our separate ways. Pretty sad story.
Through the next few weeks, my friends and I were acting normal again. Not in the real normal because that is boring, but the weird, random, bacon-y normal.
After all this pain and trouble, I have come to a conclusion. My pain not only hurts me, but others as well. If I’m happier, it will create an infinite cycle of happiness, where both keep contributing to the happiness. But in all, it still is ok to break down here and there, but still keep your head up.
