A loud vibration echoes loudly through the room. A feeling of disorientation flushes through my head as I slowly roll over my shoulder towards the origin of the noise and yawn heavily. I stretch my arm towards the floor, I'm partly hanging over the edge of the bed as I blindly search the floor for my phone, to cancel out the sound. As I find it and turn the alarm off, I watch the time. 4:30 am, time to work out.
As I peer on the bright screen and look at my messenger app, I notice I have three unread messages. All of which are from her. I try to breath but feel smothered. A tightness travels across my chest and ribs, like a shirt getting smaller and smaller, preventing both breathing and movements. By force I make my right thumb press on the app. A million thoughts are flying around in my head with rocket speed. Unable to grab a hold of them, I feel a mixture of a million emotions at once. And I was actually looking forward to waking up a few seconds ago.
Why have she written when I was asleep?
Did she want to talk? Did she need my support?
Has something happened and she needed my help?
What if someone in her family have passed, she's feeling vulnerable and needed me to come see her?
Maybe she decided she doesn't want to meet no more.
She might've thought I said something stupid and wants nothing more to do with me.
I can't blame her if she did, I've probably done something horrible to her without even noticing.
I'm not worthy of her love, her friendship or her attention.
For fuck's sake Eric, you've only met her once.
You haven't even opened the messages, she could've written anything.
Stop overthinking everything, it's not like anyone else bothers with the petty little things like you do.
Maybe you still remember every awkward moment you've ever experienced since you were five, but no one else cares. No one else is as stupid as you are.
I can feel my heart pumping faster and faster. A chill travels quickly through my veins and sweat are pouring through every part of my body. I can feel my muscles growing stiff, preventing even the smallest movements, but after what feels like hours, but in reality is just a few seconds, I finally manage to open the conversation.
"I can't fall asleep yet and so I just wanted to write and say thank you for yesterday, I had so much fun!" - 01:23
"Oh, and I wanted to tell you that... You're really cute." - 01:41
"Do you wanna hang out tomorrow?" - 01:55
And just like that, the tightness in my chest is gone, the fear of being alone, the fear of scaring someone away with my feelings, the fear of not being good enough. The fear of never being loved again. Gone, for the next five minutes.
