Where do I begin?

Chapter 1

I start my day off every morning with the same routine. I wake up and lay there for a couple minutes trying to fully be aware of my surroundings and what I have to get done throughout the day. Then I get up and take a shower. I get dressed and go to school. It's always so drab and sometimes I try to find a reason to why I should never get up and then I come to the realization that I'm scared of what might happen if I don't. I am afraid of the future and I am motivated by fear.

Do you ever think that people wake up one day and decide to do something drastically different with their life? Or if they ever take time to think and fully grasp the decisions that they are going to make and what these decisions could potentially cost them? I envied those people. They seemed so crazy to me as if from a completely different world.

I was born in a Mexican household and Spanish was my first language, but as I got older I forgot it and that is one thing that is still hung over my head today. When I was younger I found being Mexican to be an embarrassing characteristic that I tried to hide. It's hard to think your mother is the most beautiful person in the world and the media telling you that only European features are beautiful.

I hate my body. I'm hairy and when I say hairy I mean really hairy. I have always compared myself to others and I never seem to be enough. And when I say this I don't mean enough for others I mean I'm not enough for myself. I always feel so ugly. It's a word that I have reduced myself to for the longest and I can no longer bear the label that I have branded into my own chest. Just like Hester Prynne from The Scarlet Letter I too wear a brand, but mine is not as visible. Mine is a mental branding and it hurts all the same.

I call my mom from her room while I am in the kitchen looking through the cabinets for something to munch on before the day truly begins.

"What do you want?" my mothers says in a not too cheery disposition.

"Can you take me to school?" I asked.

"You need to learn how to drive. I am not going to be giving you rides to school forever" I am a Junior and she has been saying the same thing to me since Freshman year.

"Okay," I answer simply as to try and avoid a morning argument about how I am lazy and never do anything. Which is certainly not true. I work my ass off in school and I'm an honor student and just because I'm not an outdoorsy type of kid they have deemed me lazy. I get in the car and we both sit in silence. It's not that we didn't enjoy speaking to each other it's just that sometimes you just don't want to talk. This was one of those days.

We got to the front of the school and my mom finally decides to break the silence. "Have a good day Marco. I love you."

"Thanks mom, I love you too." I smiled at her and got off the car. I shut the door and I faced my school. It was so overwhelming to see all the students and the teachers walking around in the morning. I put on my smile for the day and I walk through the entrance. I approach one of my friends who always waits in front of the library near the entrance. She comes up and hugs me.

"Hey Marco," she exclaims as her arms wrap around my body.

"Bonjour," I always said this when I greeted people> It made me feel special in some sort of random type of way.

"How was your weekend?" she asked.

"My weekend was fine. Just a lot of laying around. You know the drill."

"Sounds nice," she said as she chuckled.

"Well, I'll see you in second period, " I say to her in a smile. "I'm going to go get breakfast."

"Okay," she says giving me one last hug. I turn and walk away. It takes me about two minutes to walk to the cafeteria. I am a really fact walker (this is the reason no one likes to walk with me places). I ask for some French Toast Sticks and make my way to the table my friend Kim sat in every morning with her other friends.

I always felt sort of out of place sitting with her because none of her friends were my friends too. I sat there to spend time with her mostly because ever since she started dating her girlfriend it was as if she forgot about me. "Hey," I exclaim as I sit beside her.

"Hey, Baby Daddy." This was an inside joke between the two of us.

"So, how was New Mexico?" I asked her because for the weekend to went to New Mexico to visit her family.

"It was okay. Everyone was bothering me most of the time," she always seemed to have a bad attitude towards things, but deep down I know she truly loved to see her family again. As I turn my head that when I saw him. Apollo Braxton. He was my crush since the beginning of Sophomore year. Basically everyone knew that I liked him except for him and while I'm thinking about it, I guess that's a good things. I wasn't out to everyone, but I was out to a lot of people and the others I guess I didn't really have to tell I was gay, they somehow just knew. " Are you going to just gawk at him the whole time?" Kim said bringing me back to reality.

"Maybe," I saw sarcastically and we both share a laugh.

" You need to get over him. It's been a year already. Seriously, it's time to move on." Everyone that knew I liked Apollo always told me this, but when I first started to like him everyone told me I should go for it. They would all tell me he was bisexual and that I had a chance, but last year when we had our class together he seemed really... what's the word... not gay. I guess it was sort of ignorant of me to guess if he was gay based on his personality, but when that's all you have to go off of it seemed like my best bet.

The bell rang and I said goodbye to Kim and I walked to my first period AP European History. I walked in and took my seat for probably my most boring class of the day.