regrets | park jimin

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10/04/2017

You were the one I'd trusted most. The person whom I poured my worries and heartaches to, the person whom I thought would never leave me.

After you left, life wasn't easy. I fell into a dark and spiralling hole of depression and couldn't climb out of it. I spent day after day trying to think why you would have done what you did, wondering what had gone so wrong for you to leave me here.

Every night, your mum would call me and ask how I was coping and my answer would always have been "Yes Mrs Park, I'm fine. Thank you for asking." To be honest, Mrs Park did help me deal with the pain to some extent; but it didn't help the fact that I would never see you ever again.

You were there for me all this time, so as I was to you. Of course we fought occasionally, but that's normal for best friends who had grown up arguing but loving each other. We confided in each other whenever we weren't feeling too good and your hearty laugh would always cheer me up.

Do you remember the time we went star-gazing? I told you that it's always been a dream of mine to climb up the mountain near our houses with someone I loved and lay on a blanket and gaze at the stars. The next Saturday, you made me run out of my house at 10pm and climb up the mountain in my pink bunny pyjamas. It wasn't the easiest thing to climb, but you held my hand at every step of the way to ensure that my clumsy self wouldn't trip over a rock. When we reached home, we both got scolded really badly, but it was all worth it. That was the first time I had really admired the stars.

The day that you had decided to end your life, was also the day my life came crashing down. I held your hand tightly as tears came streaming down my face when the doctors officially announced that you were gone. There were only two thoughts that had been running through my head. The first was "Why did you do it?" It's amazing how much your smile had hidden, how no one could tell that you were destroying yourself inside out. The second being "Why didn't I?" Why had I chosen not to tell you that I loved you while I still could? I guess that doesn't matter now though, now that you're gone.

You'll never get to read this note, but I hope you know that you were my everything before I left, and you'll be the last thing running through my mind as I pull the trigger on the gun.

Park Jimin — my best friend, partner-in-crime and most importantly, the person I loved.

I'll never forget you.