A Torn Heart

"I don't know where to start."

"Start... from the beginning,"

The beginning, I... I don't even know where that is. When did it start? I looked down, fiddling with my phone, a rainbow heart almost all gone, tattered and torn.

"I didn't realize how bad it was getting until it was bad." my voice shaking, fingers running over the heart.

The snow had finally come overnight. It was beautiful against the bare trees. It's a tragedy, for something so beautiful to happen when everything is dead. For the beautify to only be noticed when everything else was gone.

I didn't realize how beautiful life was until I felt dead.

Buzz, Buzz, Buzz.

I turned to search for my phone, my eyes glued to the outside. My fingers brush over something, I turn to look and it's a sticker. A rainbow heart. Ironic considering, I hadn't told my family I was gay yet and they give me this. Still, I can't help myself but stick it to my phone case, a little signal to the world that I wasn't ready to be out to yet. Turning over my phone it was a message from my older brother, a picture with the capture, ugly off? I couldn't find it in me to smile.

"From there, the hole kept getting bigger, I wished it would just swallow me up," a tear landing on the heart rolling down, "a little after that I realized that it could."

A sharp pain shot through my hand, my nail digging into my palm as I muffled my tears. I tried to focus on the pain, to take deep breaths but the tears wouldn't stop. I just need the tears to stop, I could control my emotions. But this time, the waves were too big. Shuddering, I wished for this to end, I wished for life to stop. Then, I wished for life to end.

I stilled... and then... I broke.

Buzz, Buzz, Buzz.

I checked my phone. A message from my brother, are you ok? Fine, I typed every letter killing me, but I could deal with this. I could control this. I was wrong, and as I put down my phone, I noticed the shine of the sticker had gone.

"Even after it got so dark that," I clenched my phone tight, knuckled white, "I couldn't ask for help. I thought I could deal with it, that I could control it, but it only got worse."

I couldn't go a day now without wishing for it all to end. It haunted me, in the halls of the school, taunted me through my empty laughing, just waiting for me.

I waited in the bathroom for class to start before I started what felt like a massive journey. I had been shown the counsellor office before during my tour of the school. I never thought that I would have to use it. I walked the empty halls that were usually filled with laughter and joy. My heart beating faster and faster as I got closer. Standing at the end of the hallway to the office I didn't know if I had the courage to walk into it.

Buzz, Buzz, Buzz.

I checked my phone. A message from a friend, where are you? I got lost be there soon, I typed back. Turns out I didn't have the courage. The once bright colors of the heart now faded.

"I chickened out, I knew I should have gotten help, but I was into deep and I didn't want to face it, to face my parents knowing," a bitter smile etched on my face, "I tried to get the courage other times but I couldn't"

The snow had melted weeks ago, giving way to spring rain. My jumper was soaked through, wet hair falling in front of my blue eyes that watched the lighting flash across the sky. I stood there. I thought about life, about death and everything in between. Whether to take or through the pills in my hand. My tears mixing with the rain, I wished that I could make up my mind because it was killing me.

Buzz, Buzz, Buzz.

I grabbed my phone out of my pocket. It was a call from my brother.

"Kat, where are you?" I just listened to my brother, he sounded worried, scared, "Kat, are you OK?".

"No," I said quietly, "I'm not okay"

"tell me where you are." He kept me talking until he found me. He picked me up and placed me in his car before driving me straight to the emergency room.

I turned over my phone, the heart was torn and tattered by the rain.

"Eventually I cracked, today I cracked. That's how I ended up here"