What does "THE FAULT IN OUR STARS" mean to you?

What Shapes Us - Chapter 4

By FireFlyGalaxy

Chapter 4

We arrive in Vegas two days later. In that time, we stopped sixteen times to relieve Gunnar's bladder; we stopped eight times at eight different Taco Bells across Texas and Nevada. I managed to ignore my boyfriend as Gunnar ignored calls from his mom. The rest of the time was spent either talking or sleeping. We arrive in Las Vegas at about 3:30 pm and immediately search for a place to eat with a real bathroom. We decide on an authentic Mexican joint.

After eating, we drive just outside Vegas to a cheap bed and breakfast. "We need a room with two beds please," I pronounce to the little Mexican woman behind the counter. She looks deep in thought for a minute, then scurries to the back. She returns moments later with an elderly man that looks similar to Mr. Fredrickson from Up.

"Sorry about that. Mrs. Vasquez's English is not so well." He pauses to hack up a lung. He has obviously smoked almost his whole life. "She mentioned something about you needing two beds? We just gave away out last double room. But we do have a nice couple's room," the man said with a wink at Gunnar.

"We aren't a couple," Gunnar yells. The man almost looks offended. I take Gunnar by the arm and lead him to the corner. He, too, now looks offended.

"Look, we've had sleepovers since we were little jelly beans. We can get a room with one bed, plus it will be cheaper. And if all else fails, I'll make a pallet on the ground. We probably need to head back tomorrow anyway." Gunnar slowly nods and I explain to the man our plan.

We head to the room and Gunnar claims the chair as his "bed". He looks overcome with thought. This is usually when he gets irrationally overcome with emotions and it's my cue to turn into a comforting mother towards him.

"Hey hey hey," I coo, " what's got you down?" Tears start to flood his eyes. Shit. I go into autopilot. Without realizing, I've led him to the bed, wrapped him in a blanket, and thrown my arms around him. He's just sniffling. By the looks of it, he's thinking about the incident. That's what he calls it. It broke him.

"Why does this always happen?" He manages through small gasps of air. "I can't get it out of my head. It's literally holding me back from everything and I can't," he struggles for a second, then continues, "handle this anymore."

"Yes you can, Gunnar. You're better than this. I don't care what you think. Plus, you're in Vegas, somewhere you've always wanted to be able to say you've visited. With your best friend nonetheless. Someone who will ALWAYS be here for you." He starts to fold in on himself. I try my best to keep him supported.

"It's all my fault. My dad would still be here if I had stepped up. But I chose to just stay back. Be scared. Cower in the corner."

His house was robbed. The robber had a pistol and Gunnar's dad tried to talk him out of using it. The man didn't think twice about shooting Gunnar's father and quickly leaving the home. Gunnar was nuzzled in between the wall and the china cabinet and was only eleven years old. He was virtually helpless. But after six years, he still blames himself.

"It wasn't your fault, you would've been hurt too. I don't know where I'd be if you wouldn't have done as your dad told you to. The fault shouldn't be set in yourself. It wasn't your fault, dear, but rather the fault in the heart of an unjust man who only cared about his own personal gain." I paused for a long moment to gather my thoughts. "And we wouldn't have become so close. Maybe it was fate. Maybe all the bad happens so something good will happen. Even if that good is a weird girl who doesn't sleep well. I'm not saying it's a good thing the incident even took place, I mean I miss him too, but maybe it happened to make you a better you."

Gunnar's weeping grew silent as I spoke. I had always physically comforted him with cliched phrases thrown here and there, but never had I been able to verbalize anything more. Something clicked in his head. He slowly began to straighten up. Before I knew what was happening, he had his arms wrapped around me.

"I couldn't ask for a better best friend," he sobbed. We stayed like this for a long time. Tears fell from both of our eyes in silent, steady streams.

***


We learned a lot about each other that night. The next morning, we packed up and headed back to Arkansas. Vegas was a little too much for us, anyway. We went back to our normal lives, but something was a little different in Gunnar. His grades started to go back up and he always seemed happier. He and Jenny became an official "thing" since he finally seemed to find confidence. Just not enough to actually ask her to be his girlfriend. But, with his new outlook on everything and my new ability to voice feelings, we stayed friends and that will hopefully never change.