Dead... Again...

Death #1

If there's one thing that I know in life, it is that I will die.

You will die.

Your dog will die.

Everything dies.

Whether or not you move past that is an entirely different matter. 

I look back on my first death fondly; a big 'bang' and then darkness. I worked as a miner, disguised as a man to provide for my little sister. The pay was garbage, but it was more than nothing; it put food on the table and clothes on our backs. Every morning I would slip on my father's old boots and don shapeless clothes to earn another meal while he slept in the armchair. Against the wishes of anyone who knew him, I pitied him. Before it happened, he was a business man. Not only successful, he was kind and generous. People in town flocked to his shops because they knew he had their best interest in mind. His prices were fair and he always made his profits. With the help of his wife and two young daughters, he was the happiest man alive. Then it happened. No one knew why or how it happened, not even me or my sister knew. Our home was happy. Our parents loved each other and expressed their affections always to one another.

But he lost his wife to another man. 

A fate worse than death, he claimed. 

The first thing to go was his generosity. Rather than spend his time pining over an absent wife, he raised the prices and locked himself in the backroom to count and recount the profits that came from his shop. This left his two daughters, my little sister and myself, to tend to the shops needs. We were only children, and as children do, we made mistakes.

The next thing that went was his kindness. It started at home; a sharp word or a swift smack on the bottom over something small. Gradually, his annoyance turned to anger, which promptly turned into a volcanic wrath which he unleashed not only at home but in the store. 

The last thing to go was the money. Eventually, our customers found other places to go. Days drifted by in an empty shop while my sister and I sat quietly behind the counter. If we did anything else we were punished. 

I can still remember the day that he left for his first bottle of alcohol. When he came home, shame glistened in his eyes like tears. By the time he finished the bottle, nothing reflected in his eyes. He stared blankly into space until the affects of his booze wore off.

He returned to the pub for another bottle.

Then another.

Food became scarce and our ribs made themselves known. My sister and I spent many nights huddling together, crying over the pain in our stomachs.

So I tucked my hair under a hat, donned my father's clothes, and walked to the mines.  No one questioned me. They took me in the same day without question, and the wages they handed me that night provided us our first decent meal in weeks. My little sister, my dear Ella, smiled for the first time in what felt like forever. We ate our food and cried. Our father didn't join us, he was too drunk to understand until the next morning when he ate cold left overs. He didn't meet my eyes as I headed out for another day of work. It was too early for alcohol to numb his pain, and his shame overwhelmed him. But his hunger prevailed and the rest of our food disappeared. I bit back the anger that swelled up in my chest. Ella would have to go the whole day without food because the old man couldn't contain himself and save some for his children.

I paused at the door and turned back to him. Words stung the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't figure out what I wanted to say. 

How could you?

Do you see what you've done to us now?

Is mother leaving worth it?

Do you love us anymore?

Daddy, why?

But all I could do was stare at his back as he devoured what little food was left from the night before. Unable to express what I felt, I left for another day of digging in the mountain.

Slowly, but surely, the frequency of meals increased and Ella's body swelled into one of a beautiful young woman. I had to wear bigger clothes and wrap my chest, to maintain my disguise, but I grew as well. Since losing our mother, we felt a semblance of happiness once more.

I can remember the first time I died like it was yesterday. They sent me, the youngest and smallest out of everyone to go down into the hole. The detonation device failed and someone had to figure out why. I wasn't worried. It wasn't the first time the cord disconnected when someone tugged on it too hard before detonating. It was a tight fit, even though I was small. Through the light of my headlamp, I found the part of the cord that had come apart. All of our equipment was old. When you signed on, they promised state-of-the-art technology, but everything was well past a decade behind any developments. This cord was no exception. Somewhere along the line the thing had snapped. Without thinking, I touched the two ends together.

It was fast. I didn't even hear the explosion before it hit me. I only felt a moment of pain, which was nice, considering how it could have gone.

For a second, I thought my headlamp had gone out. Everything was pitch black. Then, as if someone had pricked a hole in a piece of paper, a light appeared far off. It was then that I realized that I was standing instead of crawling on my belly. Cautiously at first, I ventured toward the light. As I approached, figures passed the white opening. People drifted by in flowing white robes, but only one acknowledged me. He stepped into the darkness with me but seemed to take some of the luster from the world beyond with him.

"It's time," he told me.

"Where's Ella?" I peered into the opening, awestruck by the beautiful room and the happy people.

"She will come in time."

It occurred to me then that I was dead. "You mean- I have to leave her behind?"

The man nodded and gestured to the opening. "Please, join us. You've worked so hard without complaint to make your sister's life a joyful one. You deserve this peace."

I took a step back and shook my head. "Not without Ella."

"I see." He folded his hands. "If you turn back, there is no guarantee that you will be able to come back to this place. Thus far in her life, Ella has earned her keep here too. You only need to wait for her."

I shook my head again adamantly. "Not without her. She needs me." I looked around for some indication that there was any other way I could go. Nothing but darkness greeted me on all sides but one. The room beyond shone brilliantly. But I couldn't find any joy in me knowing that Ella and I wouldn't be there together.

"I'm not going in there without my sister." I put my back to the white heaven and marched away into the darkness to find my dear Ella.

Author's Note:
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