All i ask.

Sunday 1st June

Hello, it me, Tyler. Zoe told me that when she felt sad she liked to write her feelings down, she says it's like writing them away. I don't really think it's going to work, but she was so hyped up about it that I couldn't really say no. Plus she bought me this diary and sent it all the way from the UK, I kind of feel obliged to at least try, she said I should act as though I'm writing to Troye, so your Troye now I suppose. I guess I should probably start at the beginning. It's so hard to remember, like my mind is trying to block and erase chunks from my memory. It's foggy too, like trying to drive through mist. I will start 4 months ago when it all started.

4 months ago.

I was on Skype to you just a few hours or so before I got the call from your brother. He was crying Troye, really crying. Remember how you told me your brother never cries? Yeah, that changed when you left. He asked me if I had known what you were planning, i had laughed, as if i'd be sitting around if I'd have fucking known right? I swear if I only could've gotten to you, if you'd only told someone Troye. On Skype you told me you loved me, that you were looking forward to seeing me at playlist, even though you knew you wouldn't be able to make it. That's what hurts the most. You lied to me Troye, the last thing you ever said to me was see you soon, now I'll never see you again. Your mum called me a few hours after. It hadn't sunk in back then, I was just filming a new video. The last video I ever made. When her call came through. She sounded broken on the phone, she was crying a lot as well. She told me that it wasn't fair how your own brother had to find your body cold on the floor. She didn't say it was suicide. I don't think anyone did for the first few days. We just acted like you'd dropped down without reason. Nobody could stand to hear otherwise. I wanted to comfort your family, I was the closest they had to you. But I couldn't fly out then, knowing that you wouldn't be greeting me with that beautiful big smile and eyes that always sparkled. So I locked myself away, carried on like nothing had happened. I was completely numb to it all. I didn't pick up calls or answer messages. I have a feeling most of our friends were either too distraught to visit me or too scared of how I was doing. Probably both. After a few days rumours started flying on twitter. Fans going crazy wondering where you and I were. Most of them were so worried Troye, they deserved to know the truth. But I couldn't even face the truth myself, Let alone tell them. Neither of us had tweeted since the day you left. Your last tweet was about how much you loved all the fans, mine was about my latest video. It was your dad that told everyone what had happened. Twitter exploded that day. I didn't really check a lot. Couldn't stand seeing everyone grieving like they knew you. Suddenly acting like they'd loved you all along. I felt like I was the only one with the right to miss you, silly I know, a lot of our fans flooded my mentions too. Worrying how I was doing. They were probably right to worry in hindsight. I didn't exactly react in the normal way.

It was a whole week before anyone decided to drop by my flat. They came prepared as well, Korey, Connor, Joey and Hannah. They hugged me and asked me how I was doing, laughable. I wasn't doing at all. They had no idea how to treat me, not even Korey, then again, I didn't even know how to treat myself. They acted as though I was fragile, like a bomb that could explode at any second. If you had been there you would've hugged me tightly, wound yourself around me like a scarf and known all the right things to say, If you had been there none of this would of happened mind you. Connor Hannah and Joey left after 4 days, telling me to look after myself and whispering to Korey to be sure I didn't try anything like you did. It was when they left that I began calling you. Calling your phone and leaving long messages. I was so certain you could hear them, I sent huge ass texts too. I kept thinking I heard my phone go off when it hadn't, this kept up for a few days, eventually I got so frustrated that I turned it off and flung it at the wall. Korey came rushing in with a such panicked expression, if you were there, if it were any other situation. We would've laughed so hard we cried. Speaking of crying, that's something I hadn't done. I hadn't shed a single tear since I'd found out about you. At the time it made me feel worse that I genuinely couldn't cry, I realise now that it was probably because I was still in shock. I really couldn't believe it was happening at all.