The thoughts of a dysfunctional teenager.

Intro....i guess

So, if you couldn't tell by my username, I'm just a sad person. Maybe not 24/7 but most of the time.  I never really have anyone to talk to because what I go through doesn't really matter to them or they don't care enough to try and help me. I mean, I have tried to talk to people but my mother thinks I'm an attention seeker, my best friend has a hectic life and talking to the school counsellor was very challenging. She was cool but she laughed all the time and I didn't know if I had to laugh or be serious to. It was like "hey, did you have any suicidal thoughts today!" It's like she'd be expecting a happy and joyful reply like "Actually yeah I did! I almost knifed myself in the neck in my bathroom with baby scissors!"

I really hate being this way. Tired all the time, can't be bothered getting up to eat, no motivation to get up in the morning or anytime of the day. But when I'm around others I try my best to hide it because as much as I want someone to notice and help me, I'm also embarrassed about it. Sometimes people do notice though. One of my friends is very special. Don't ask me how, he just is. He told me some things about myself. I'm kind, a sweet looking person, funny, always smiling. He also told me that all these things are just a mask that I use to hide who I really am. Just by looking at me, he said that beneath all of it, I constantly think about dark things and battle with heavy thoughts such as death, suicide and hurting other people or myself. I was so shaken by it that I couldn't speak for a few seconds because it was all true. I think about death everyday. Wonder what it's gonna feel like when I take my last breath or what it feels like to be 86 and people have to wipe my own ass because I'm old, feeble and sick. I think a lot about how I used to walk home from school and cross the road. Every time, I had the urge to just stand in the middle of the road and let whatever random car  that was driving go straight into me. Whenever someone pisses me off, I just imagine myself physically hurting them. Like stabbing them and watching the blood run down my hands or running them down with a bulldozer. It usually helps. Or even to myself. I used to carry a craft knife around with me so if I got the itch to cut, just knowing it was in my bag helped me chill out a bit. Yeah, I know. I'm fucked up. It could have something to do with my past. You know, emotional abuse, physical abuse. Daddy issues. All that good stuff .

And this is all real. Every single thing that you just read came straight from my brain and into this chapter. But everyone is different. I don't think every mentally disturbed teen thinks and feels this way, maybe a little handful. So I don't expect much people to under stand. It just feels really good to say it though, even if it's not in real life. And remember, I did warn you about the triggers and such. I'd like to quote something that I've heard various times on videos where people do very dumb shit.

"Don't try this at home kids."
Source - Probably Facebook.