And Love Hurt.

1- The Anxiety Attack.

     I pull my blonde waves out of my face trying to get a better glimpse of him. I loved everything about him his chestnut curls, his perfect smile, his eyes. But I could never fuck up our friendship.. hes all that cares anymore and I cant lose that. As he approaches me I cant help but put on a cheesy smile and giggle like a complete dork.

      "What so funny Addilyn?" He says smirking. I shake my head deciding its best not to be answered.

       "We still going to my place today?" I feel as though my tone gives away my excitement I lace my fingers through my belt loops trying to 'play it cool.'My stomach churns waiting for him to respond. Even though he never turns me down, damn.. I feel like I'm in a middle school love story. Heat rushes to my cheeks as I imagine us as much more than we are. 

       "I've got to meet Eden before we head off though, is that cool?" He adds his face seeming mostly emotionless. Nothing neither of his gorgeous dimples or the gleam in his eyes, no color to his perfect cheeks just .. nothing. I know she doesn't make him happy anymore which frustrates me the most. How could Someone let someone so fucking perfect be in a shadow ?
     He obviously noticed my frustration because he cleared his throat and tapped his fingers on his arm.
      " Oh.. uh no that's cool. I'll come with." I grit my teeth letting the last few words slide out. She's flawless.. everything about her when I see them together my heart breaks. My brain gets disheveled I see everything that I don't have in her. The perfect Curls, the fit body, her eyes she is  just stunning and I'm.. me. The awkwardly short, blue eyed kid with way too many flaws to make a list out of. Every step we take closer to her the farther my heart climbs towards my throat.
    " Happy 8 months." He mumbles followed by silence. I look up out of  pure confusion to be met face to face with them kissing. Ouch. I could feel the urge to cry building in my throat as it became stronger I blurted," I have to go to the bathroom."

      Quickly turned on my heels and jogged towards the bathroom the tears already starting to run from my eyes. I tug at my ends of my hair trying to make myself understand it can't happen.. it won't happen. I push the door open with my shoulder immediately going to the mirrors. Ugly. My eyes scan over my insecurities filling even more with the tears that I wished I could hold in. I hated myself. Everything single thing about me. My lungs are on fire at this point and my head was just pounding. I need air or something.. I need him. I slowly sink onto the floor next to the trash bin clutching my chest, gasping for air. This is always the best part of an anxiety attack, the one thing keeping you alive begins failing you and you have to grip onto every breath or you will die. Am I gonna die? Fuck.. I have to do something. I start lifting myself off of the ground with white specks appearing  in my vision. 

    "Addilyn you okay? Are we still hanging out?" I hear Harry's voice going in and out with light knocks on the bathroom door. 

  "Harry." I call back weak my voice shaky and quite raspy from crying. Before I could even think of going towards the door Harry burst in looking panicked. He knew everything about me.. my past, my present my medical conditions.. hes my best fucking friend for Christ sake. So seeing me in this condition he knew exactly what was happening. He grabbed me wrapping his arms around my waist. God he was so warm .. ill never be good enough to be cradled in his arms for more than just a second but i craved his touch. I want him to be mine so badly. He pulled me into his lap holding me and rocking me. He continued to coo to me and tell me everything would be okay. But I knew it wouldn't be.. he'd never be mine id never stop fighting myself. But for this moment it was okay. For this moment i can forget everything I can pretend it doesn't hurt. I can pretend hes mine.. i can pretend. 

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       I squint my eyes at the bright light coming through my window. I roll over getting up from bed. As I stretch my back i feel the blood rush to my head and begin pounding.