//You// Matt Healy Fan Fiction

I wake up with all the sweat washing all over my face. My head is throbbing terribly and my mouth tastes like ash. My stomach growls in protest.

And my world is still in a blur.

I remember I have only eaten peanut sandwich before I go drown myself with vodka last night.

Wine and whiskey and vodka. Yes. With these mixture of alcohol everyday, sooner I'm going to write my last will and testament. 

I look at my bedside clock. It's 10:06 am. I sat right up and searched for my pants.
I found some empty bottles in the carpet together with my black pants. Gladly, I also found my black polo which hang loosely on my shoulder.

I put on my clothes while I look at myself in the mirror.

I see a man, with droopy eyes from hang-over, growing shaved side hairs and just miserable and 100 percent fucked up
I laughed at my stupid reflection and dabbed water on my face.

Then someone knocks at my door.

"Matty".

It was George.

I opened the door and him and his perpetually unruly blonde hair entered my room. I have to take a mental note that he was carrying a breakfast tray. Sweet, sweet, guy.

"You're impressing me, love. Breakfast in the bed? What's next? A nice hot milk bath with you?" I laughed and sat on my bed.

"Probably." He placed the tray on bed. Then he gently dived in my bed. "Feed yourself, love" he smirked.

"Thanks for this fancy breakfast on bed. For that, I wanna kiss you right now in this bed". I quickly reached for his head but he yanks violently and yelled " Fuck off man!" We both laughed until my stomach demands for food and I have to stop laughing.

I reach for my food and ate like I haven't tasted food for months. George just lay still on the bed quietly.

We haven't been so quiet like this. Not that it is unusual that we get quiet, but there is something about this silence, and it's bothering me what he is bothered about.

"Where's Hann and Ross?" I break the ice. 

George swings his arm out of his eyes. "They are on the other room. Practicing for our gig later." Oh we have a gig, I was surprised I didn't know. Or maybe I just forgot. Too much alcohol, that's the correct answer, I shook my head. 

"Yes, our gig. Right" I chewed my food and swallowed it with a little anger to myself.

"Matty?" George's voice was calm yet unnerving.

"Hmm?" I replied without opening my mouth

"I —I don't know how to say this, but-" he took a pause. I dropped my spoon and fork and I'm all ears to him. 

I know what he's going to say and he knows how to say it to me. But he doesn't know how to say it without hurting me.

Here we are again.

"Go on. Say what you wanna say. We'll talk man to man" I told him.

He stared at the spaces of my room

1second
2seconds
3seconds

and began to speak again.

"Matty, you've changed. A lot. Everyday, you'll be drunk. You don't focus on our rehearsals. You do what you think will help you fix your self but—" and he breathes deeply " but you don't know that it's destroying you already." He took his arm again back on his eyes.

I sat there while his words are swallowing me in. Punching me right in my lungs and making it harder for me to breathe. 

"It's destroying us too, Matty. Don't be selfish man. Don't drown yourself when you know your demons can swim".

And the silence became so deafening.
The food now felt like inedible to me. I lost my appetite. I lost my words.

"I'm sorry man". I'm so ashamed of myself. And i think I deserve to be.

George sat next to me and put his arms on my shoulder.

"Matty, don't do this to yourself. I have known you since gods knows, and I know you can do better than this. I can't afford to lose you. We can't afford to lose this band which we have worked for so long to build. And we can't afford to lose each other just because of this".

I came back to earth after his words hit me.

It is because of this. 

Because of this shit I pulled myself in.

 Because of this shit that broke me. 

Because she broke me when I lost her.

"Man, I'm feeling tired" I sighed and fight back the tears welling up. I don't wanna cry because of this, again.

I'm so tired of my self-pity and regret but I'm always the one who brought myself to it.

"I just wanted to say that  we're here for you, man. We aren't a band for nothing." George whisked my hair and tapped my shoulders.

Before he shut the door he said "Hope to see you in the rehearsals" then his face disappeared and then I was looking at the door again.

George's words still hit me home. Have I changed a lot? Is this just some phase that I will wallow myself in for a matter of time then soon, I'll be back at my old self again? Who was my old self? That's the question.

Should I go back to my old self where it's where Gemma's memories live? What should I do to erase all of her memories in my head?

All of her warm embraces, her soft kind lips, her very own scent, her smile, and just her. Her, her and her.

As I try to think about forgetting, the more I remember.

I think I can't escape this.

I am in a quicksand. The more I try to get out, the more it engulfs me alive.