Not Allowed To Cry

chapter 4

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I remember a time when I used to be happy all the time. When I was a kid life was great. Sure my parents were not rich at the time but life was great. Mummy and I were besties she would tie my hair into pretty buns. Buy me pretty clothes with whatever money she had and prepare my favourite meals.  My dad and I were inseparable.  We would go out for father -daughter dates. Ha! How time changes things. How time changes people.

These memories flood my mind as I sit staring in the mirror.  I would want to go back to those times but there's something in my past I would rather not relive. A dark cloud I would want the wind of time to blow away. Time heals wounds afterall doesn't it?
I have so much work to do so many books to read and so little time to read them.
I wonder what would happen if I stopped caring. But then I think  about college. It's my only ticket to freedom, my only ticket! I can't afford to lose it. No.
Sometimes I let my mind drift into the future. I see my self as a successful woman with a loving and caring husband ( Tony or someone like Tony). A few cars in my garage and loads of money in the bank.   Maybe my son will be those billionare kids girls dream of every night. That dream is what makes me sleep at 11 pm and wake up at 1 am. That dream makes me carry a 10 kg bag full of books and notes everyday to and from school. Tony had once warned me about overworking myself. He always encourages me to read moderately and rest. I wish it were that easy. What he doesn't know is that in my house you have to be special to be loved. My small brother he's an athlete, my small sister a neatfreak (so is my mum) and me? Well I have to get an A in my finals to be special enough to get their love. That's the unspoken rule in my house. I once told Maria this and she almost had a heart attack. I secretly envied her life. At her home they ate dinner together AS A FAMILY everyday!!!! At my house we only ate as a family during public Holiday's and birthdays. She had a hot boyfriend emphasis on HAD. She is well travelled  and the most popular girl in school ( not the bitch type).

" Noella, you don't have to compare yourself to others. There's millions out there who would want the life you have. I included." Tony always ranted to me. I don't know he always seemed to find a balance between what I wanted to hear and what I needed to hear. 
Just a few more days to the holidays and we'll hang out again. I always enjoyed our late night calls, our lengthy chats, our super chilled hangouts. When I was with him all was well. I didn't have to dress all up  or wear makeup. With him I can be me. The real me. Best part is that he loves that real me.