Allison is a Bag of Salt (Vent, Salt, and Rant Book)

Group Chats and Guilt Tripping (Vent)

(This was originally posted in Stuff 'N' Things but I feel like it fits here.)

Hey. Sorry for this I just kinda wanna get some feelings out.

So, on VA, in a group chat, there's this one "friend" (idk what he thinks of me as) who likes to joke around and say that he doesn't like me. I'm pretty sure it's just a joke, but I honestly can't tell anymore.

The reason for this is because of this effect where the more something is repeated, the more true it becomes (I first heard of this in MatPat's video about PewDiePie and all his Nazi jokes and stuff). So the more this person says "I don't like you", the more I feel like he really doesn't care for me at all.

This also happened when one of his friends continuously told me to kms. It was also a joke, but it got to the point where I actually couldn't tell if she was joking or not. It just seemed like she really wanted me to commit suicide.

This seems kinda selfish, I know. I don't want to tell him all this stuff because I don't want to feel like I'm guilt tripping him into making him feel sympathy for me. Ever since the whole thing with Vivi, this has been a fear of mine. It's the reason why I don't tell people how I actually feel. It... hurts... I'm such a people pleaser that I put others' feelings before my own. But then other times I just want to make people feel horrible about themselves to make me feel better. I'm such a confusing person.

Another thing I don't like about these jokes is that whenever I feel down about myself, I can use this as a way to make myself feel worse. I can just think of all the times this person said he doesn't like me and just eventually make that "no one cares about me". It just hurts.

I'm kinda 50/50 on whether or not I want him to see this. I'm not going to show this to him myself, but it seems like he finds ways to find things I've said. I also have friends that might snitch. But yeah. If he does find it, he finally knows how I feel and might stop, but he may also just actually hate me for being so selfish and weak. I'm sorry. I really am. I wish I could just take a fucking joke, but the honest to god truth is, sometimes I just can't handle them. Which sound really hypocritical because I make the same types of jokes that I say I can't take. I'm just weird.

I'm sorry. I really am. I hope this doesn't seem too hypocritical because I totally understand how you could see it that way. And on that note, I'm ending this.

Sorry.