Dear who-shall-not-be-named,
My mind has been corrupt for the past 3 days, maybe more than that, but as of now, everything seems so out of reach.
As I sit on my bathtub floor with a boombox on low playing songs to fill the background of all the thoughts sailing around through my mind, I think about him. Which him? There has been so many "hims" in my past, but nothing stood out as much as he did.
He, who shall not be named.
As the water splashes onto my body, tracing down onto my back I close my eyes as a song by Charlie Puth lingers through the air. My ears take in recognizable words that trigger my feelings...
"How long has this been going on? You have been creeping around lately while you're still calling me baby."
I sat there numb with my arms wrapped around me, embracing myself as the cold words and the hot water hit me in all different directions, tugging at me as I erupt into tears.
I breathe slowly as I hold in my tears from escaping my clutch. I have let myself go ever since things went amuck between him and I. I rub my exhausted eyes which are the product of encountering sleepless nights as all the memories of him play in my mind.
I sit back and close my eyes attempting to relax, but all I see is everything about him: his light brown eyes that pull me into him every goddamn time, his smile and how I always want those lips pressed against mine, but most importantly, I always want to see the smile across his face. I see him, I see the way he looked at me or maybe used to look at me. As the Charlie Puth song fades out, I recall the past few nights as I lay in silence with my eyes shut. All I can hear is his name calling me "baby," and praying it's not the last time.
I place a hand on my heart as I feel it increase rapidly, breathing slowly in and out to calm myself down, to bring me back to reality. My hand slowly slides down until it reaches my stomach, the insides of my stomach churning from the constant suffering I have been putting myself through.
I shake my head as I realize the real purpose of my bath — cleansing myself.
As the loofa filled with bath and body works soap rushes against my body, I think about the first him.
This was a forbidden kind of love (I don't even know if I can call it that anymore) I took a liking to the guy behind the screen. He was there for me when I lost my way in middle school. When all the guys called me names and made fun of my curly hair, he showed me another side of myself that I never knew I even had. I was so afraid of guys in my past due to constant bullying, but more importantly what has gone down in my past. That's another story to tell, especially not right now. As I struggled during the day, he was my laugh and hold at midnight. Oh how I'd never forget him despite him forcefully being pulled away from me. Our friendship was frowned upon by my mother which halted our conversations. Gosh, those three months haunted me as I lost myself when he was gone. So many phobias had derived out of thin air, just too much for a thirteen year old to handle. What do you do when you lose someone who was your hold? I encountered it multiple times, you move on. Why can't I move on from he who shall not be named? Oh right, I still love him.
As I lather soap into my hair I cringe at the thought of him not being open with me. Not telling me how he truly felt and keeping his emotions away from me. I tug at my curls as the arguments rage through my mind. Some of them are so pointless. Some of them are jokes taken too far. The other half, those had hit me so hard I still haven't bounced back from them. My body shudders as all the personality traits he has is revealed in a matter of a few days: a liar, dishonest and secretive. All the traits a relationship should have, but man does he really have me wrapped around his finger because gosh I still love him. I see some negativity within him, but I still love him regardless. He sees the negativity in me, and our relationship is overthought.
