Fixing Anna

Chapter 1: Anna

I looked at the pain medication tablets on my hand for what felt like hours. I kept staring at it, thinking it will go down my throat without having to put them inside my mouth. After a while, I gave up and put them back inside the bottle.

I am a coward.

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Chapter 1: Anna

It's 9:03 in the morning. I have been staring at a blank Word document in my laptop screen not really seeing anything. I needed to work but I cannot seem to get a clear thought into my head. It felt foggy, unclear and I am losing focus.

God I was tired. I sighed in defeat realizing that I won't be able to write anything even if I stared at the screen for hours. The moment I closed my laptop, the phone rang. I picked it up after two rings.

"Hello, honey?"

My mother's voice.

In the past, her voice was enough to make me smile. But these past few weeks, I've been an empty shell. Nothing can invoke any real emotion from me. Even my own mother.

"Hi mom!" I said, faking my enthusiasm. I walked towards the fridge to look for food and found a cold slice of pizza and a can of soda. It would do for breakfast.

"Do you have plans this afternoon? I was planning on visiting you."

"Yeah, sure." I replied automatically. She said her goodbye and I hung up the phone. I took a deep breath and released it slowly. I need to be on my best behavior once my mother is here.

I need to put up every wall I can muster to prevent her from seeing. She cannot know. And I sure hope that she won't notice how broken I really am underneath the cracks.

My mother came at around two in the afternoon. By then, I was able to force myself to take a bath and try to look normal for her. I plastered a smile on my face so wide she wouldn't know that I was faking it.

We watched television shows and got a kick out of hurling insults at reality TV stars. I managed to talk and laugh like how I'm supposed to.

I could sense my mother watching me closely from my peripheral vision. I know she's worried about me, especially now that I'm living on my own again. I looked at her then, and saw the worry lines on her forehead.

"Are you truly okay?" She asked. The concern in her voice was so palpable that it would have broken my heart.

If I had a heart to break.

I nodded. "Stop worrying mom. I'm good." I gave her a small smile, just enough to convince her.

"You could always come home, you know. If living here is too much."

"Mom, please." I don't want to hear about why I'm living alone and why she was so concerned about my feelings. "I'm okay." I reassured her again as I reached out to take her hand. She met me halfway and squeezed my hand.

I looked into her eyes and saw that it was a mirror of my own. I could see my reflection in her eyes and realized that I have the best mother. I should be happy.

But I wasn't.

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She left before it got dark and I found myself walking back to my apartment alone. I could feel the refreshing breeze on my cheeks. I could feel it try to whip my hair but it wasn't strong enough.

I looked up and saw that the sky was painted in red-orange. For a moment I thought that the sky was on fire and wished that the flames would consume me and leave nothing but ashes so the breeze could finally carry me away.