The Beginning of Anguish

Feeling Burn

Tiffany, doctor Macintyre says, I want you to tell me what you were thinking just before and as you were running from home.

I cant. I reply.

Why not?

Because it will take me a whole day of writing and crying to type it out. As I say this I realize its true. For me to tell someone how I felt I need to relive the night, which will bring me a generous amount of pain.

Well guess what, doctor Macintyre replies while leaning back in his chair, Theres the laptop and heres the day.

I sigh as I realize there is no avoiding it, I will have to dig into my soul and grab the right words so people understand how it feels.

Ill check on you in an hour. He says as he leaves the room and closes the door behind him.

I go toward the computer and open Word

Even in the midst of flowing time, I feel languid, look, spinning around and around. Im losing time, the hands on my clock are winding too fast and leaving me behind. I can't even see the heart that's leaving me. My emotions are leaving me, I am refusing to show them, refusing to allow them in my body and my mind, because they bring me down, they hurt me; ripping my emotional flesh apart. I can't even get myself to move, I continue to be washed down the cracks of time. I don't know anything about what's around me, I'm just me and no more. Everyone else is just a dream, just a piece of a puzzle Im putting together for myself. Am I dreaming? Am I seeing nothing? My words are useless even if I speak. To so many I try to tell my story, my feelings, my life, but it all goes ignored. Nobody cares. I'm just tired of being sad, I should go on without feeling anything. Im locking up my feelings, losing my heart, giving everything up. Putting up a wall between me and everything because Im afraid if I touch it, it will all fall apart. Even if I'm given the words I'm at a loss for, my heart just won't pay attention. Its done with giving love, done with caring and worrying for everyone. If I move myself away, if I change everything, Ill turn it all black. My efforts will fail and my world will come crashing down and I will fall back and stop the rotation of the earth as I know it. Is there a future for someone like me? Do I exist in a world like this? Should I try to go further or am I allowed to finally give up? Can I make it in this world or will it refuse me? Is this painful now? Is it sad now? Not even knowing myself, I go on, day by day trying for everyone to keep it together but in the end questions fill my mind and I forget who I am. I'm just tired even of walking, I don't even understand people. They cause me so much pain and yet I complain of being abandoned; alone. They frighten me because they dont understand.

If someone like me can change, if I can change, will I turn white? Can I really become gold, and laugh again? Am I allowed to smile or is it forbidden and I am shunned for daring to show my face.

Does a future exist in wasted time? Do I exist in a place like this? I feel like a waste of money, space and time.

If you want to call me something, if you were to put it into words, I'd be called a "good-for-nothing troublemaker"; Thats all I do, bring havoc and confusion to this world, oh, why I am of no use to anyone? My body is losing control and I am slowly stopping in time because I am done, my story should end. If I move; if I move, Ill destroy everything, Im stuck on a continuous ride that refuses to stop, refuses to let me off. What shall I do now?

If I grieve; if I grieve, can my heart turn white? Or will I make everything a huge ship wreck. A bottomless pit I am stuck in, and I refuse to climb out, I am stuck in my ways because if I leave, if I take another step everything will fade to black and I will never know

I still dont know about you, about myself, about everything. If I open my heavy eyelids, if I break everything, motion, time and space, then Ill turn black, and my life is proven worthless!!!

This is how I feel as I suddenly get up and start putting my shoes on. I feel useless and I must get away. Have you ever ran off in the middle of the night and heard your parents calling back at you in distress? I have, I am now. It fills you with terror because you can hear the tone of fright in their voice as they call for you, and you realize they care, for once it feels like they care and you want to go crawling back to them with your tail between your legs just like a dog, like a sad dog thats done wrong. What if you continue running though? What if you stop for just a second but then continue to go? It makes your whole entire body freeze up, like you have gum stuck to the bottom of your shoes and youre being zapped by an electric current at the same time. But you still continue because now you feel like if you go back, youll be taunted and refused. Your senses become more alert now because you feel like you have really committed a crime, the echo of your shoes as they hit the gravel on the ground

I jump as the door opens and doctor Macintyre walks in.

Hows it going? he asks me.

Umm, okay I say, but the voice isnt mine. The voice I hear is shaky and really unsteady. I reach up to my eyes and my fingers turn wet. I have been crying without even realizing it.

How much have you done? He asks me. He seems to notice my crying, but he doesnt say a thing as he leans over my shoulder and sees my work.

Okay, good job, continue, Ill be back in another couple hours. He leaves me again and I lean back in my chair and stare up at the rather white roof, to think about what else to write.

With the sound of my steps filling my ears and the darkness around me blinding my eyes I run on until I reach the bridge and words whirl around my eyes and questions go around like holy crap, what the hell is wrong with me, or I have to go home, I have to go home and its freaking cold. I start pacing back and forth for a few minutes while holding my head, because I just cant relax and then I make up my mind. I must go back home, for mom. I run back, freaking out the whole time because I dont know where my parents are, I dont know if they are trying to find me. My head is pound so hard Im getting a headache now. Then I hear something in the distance as Im running back home, and I think, Oh crap, thats probably my parents, what the hell do I do? I look around and take quick turn shoving myself into the bushes just as headlights show up. My breathing is overwhelming now and I feel as if the whole word can hear me and I wonder if Ill get away as the car passes me. Im not sure if it was mom and dad, but Im not ready to take that chance so I wait a little longer until the car was farther away and I rush out from the bush and head home with tears filling my eyes. I notice the car missing so I know my parents are looking for me, and I dont know how long they will be gone for. I go inside thinking maybe dad left mom home, because I needed a shoulder to cry on but as I rush upstairs with my cheeks getting wet, I see mom is gone so I turn to my old room and I dont have to think twice about it. I shove open the door, run inside close the door and go up the stairs. And I give in a little and let me feel every emotion from anger and disgust to fear and despair. Then I hear my mom run in the house while calling my name and I look up out of instinct as she rushes up the stairs calling my name and I hear her turn toward my old room. She opens the door and calls my name, and I go to her but before I do, I look into her eyes and notice years of caring shine through and I notice anguish and happiness as she embraces me and I feel safe, and the world stops and waves of calmness fill me and then I see that my fight is not fought alone.

I wheel around just as doctor Macintyre walks in.

Okay, I think Im done. I say to him.

Good, because your mom and dad are here to take you home. He responds. And I smile to myself because I hold a secret all for myself. I get up and go outside and then hug my mom because I never know if it will be my last one.