Unspoken Minds: Philophobia

Philophobia

I am scared, I am frightened to love and to be loved, I am petrified to do such thing that I want to excel. And, it is because of the very one unexpected thing, it is all started with an unexpected first passionate torrid kiss from a stranger. I don't know if that's too exaggerated but I think it is. And, it's not a simple thing for me, I considered my first kiss will be from my one and only love but he ruined it. He ruined my fantasy, my dream.

I blame Grindr first, and after that scene, I never use it again, as in NEVER, Okay, maybe once but, never again until now. Because, I am already terrified to be take as an advantage and I am afraid to know some liars, cause I believe that, that kind of place is full of mystery and struggles to know one's true self, and also it's not worth it to take risks just to find your "one and only true love".

But actually, Grindr has no fault on this thing, honestly, I needed to blame myself because I'm the one who started it, I'm the one who wanted to try it, to try Grindr, maybe to express myself in the other world, the mysterious world rather.

He talked to me first then I answered cause of "out of curiosity". Then we exchange names, then reveal our true identity, our physical identity through photos. I'm a bit shy at first of course, because I know that I am ugly or maybe not fit in their "market", but then, I pursue even though his not that kind of guy that I wanted to know or to loved but I am open in different kind of relationship, maybe a friendship will do. But then, after a week talking to him, I decided to know his job, his schedule and even some sexual stuffs about him, cause it is out of curiosity. Then I can't help myself to see him that moment and I told him that I wanted to see him. We settled in the day and time. Then gora.

And that day, I lied to my parents/boss that I will go to the mall to see some new mobile phones displayed, so I can replace my old phone; actually, that is the day that we would meet in his job somewhere within the city. I bought him some drinks before I went to him.

When I came in the place, I looked for him until I got into the top floor, and I saw him. I saw him just like we were friends. And then, he asked me if I already had lunch then I said, not yet. So he finished his first batch of job left and we managed to go to the cafeteria. But before we gone to the cafeteria, he slightly kissed me or maybe that is what they called smack. And I was bit shocked and felt embarrassed, because of what he did, in a short period of time. From that, he stole my very first kiss. Then, he went for the gold, he actually gave me the "unexpected passionate torrid kiss" inside an elevator. I thought at first, if it has a CCTV inside, but we like "bahala na, dedma na".

I admit it, I actually liked that stolen kiss but then my preference of it was been violated by a stranger. I felt paralyzed or like my mind was controlled by him and I don't know what to do that time. I just followed his instructions. We were in a vacant room and do some sexual stuffs, just an oral. No more. Then after that, he wanted to do some stuff but I said I'm a bit late in my promised time to go back to my work. Then, I escaped from his world.

After I escaped from him, I felt that I just woke up in a short nightmare. Then, I did replied him once and never again.

Then, I think from that incident, I am scared to love and to be loved.