The Kirax Dairies

Reality Sucks

5/6/13 

Another day if idiots telling me what to do, another day of people trying to think they're better than me. Getting real tired of it, i don't think i can last 17 more days. Marching band will be happening again soon, i have to play at the graduation, and then summer. Long miserable summer. I don't go outside, i do nothing but sit in my room all night until like 6 am and then sleep all day. My birthday is coming up soon, not exctied about this. i don't really want to become another year older, its not really going to change anything. Still have 2 more years left of this miserable place, hopefully it won't be as bad as it has been for the rest of my years. Sitting in the library writing on wattpad like usal, i honestly still feel no motivation to do anything anymore, i just really want to start fighting again. Start hurting others again. Start being in trouble again, because why not? It helps me cope without harming myself, so why not harm others? I'm aware that its not sane or moral, but i don't think i have that many morals anymore, and i'm sure as hell not sane anymore. i just want my old life back. My old life of trouble, maybe my mom would finally care again. Probably not. My real dad wont contact me anymore, wont respond my calls, won't text me back. He just won't give me the time of day and it honestly is really starting to hurt me more than anything. My step dad doesn't help, all he does is acuse me of everything, and then rant about how i need to grow up and get a job, move out, have kids. Honestly thats nothing i'm interested in, i hate most kids, and i'm not mentally stable enough to hold a job without some kind of mental breakdown around other people. I'm just not cut out for life anymore, so why should i just let it continue? I only have friends online. Everyone in my actual life hates me. All the kids at school just consider me as just another freak to make fun of and bully. So why keep letting it all happen? i'm really sick and tired of it. The only people i can actually vent to are people online that i don't even know, that live in different states than me, some people in different countries than me. Yet somehow through all of this i have 3.1k people behind me no matter what i do, so i'm getting really mixed signals. Why continue with the internet fame, if no one in my life is even proud of me. Why even continue when the people you hate, everyone adores and looks up to. Everyone thinks they're all fucking perfect because they show you what they want you to see, and then think they can just control and take over everyones preception of them. Most of people that watch youtubers are being completed fooled, by what they want you to think they actually are.