Jill D. Ponto-Miller was a beautiful soul who had an extraordinary ability to write through her feelings. She, like so many creative souls, suffered from intense highs and extreme lows. As most writers understand, during our lows we are able to purg...
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Falling
I come out of an unremembered dream with a start, eyes opened, ambient light coming in from the corners of the closed curtains.
I let my fingers feel the texture of the sheets, coming out of a partial paralysis and aware – I AM AWAKE. God damn this life. It holds me captive, a prisoner, destined to relive every single new day just like the one before and the one to come.
Try as I might, to end this cycle and close my eyes one last time, move on to the other side where everything is peaceful and happy, with no more desperate attempts at trying to fit in, be normal, be happy, be satisfied, feel whole, understood, loved... I keep losing the battle and wake up from dreams just to begin again, breathing and pretending to be okay in this nightmare.
Yes, my family loves me; some would say they love me, but they do not necessarily like me. I have always felt like the black sheep of the family and, often, among friends.
They think I am doing fine.
They think I am strong. So they lay their problems at my feet or on my shoulders, unaware that I trip over my own problems. The weight of my troubles are too heavy to carry. Yes, go ahead and lay your problems down and make it more impossible for me to break through my own troubled thoughts and, while you are at it, place your sadness and negative feelings upon my shoulders, I'm sure I can balance it with my own selfish feelings of inadequacy.
Sometimes the negativity laid upon my shoulders gets so high that it blocks out the light and I find myself walking around blind, feeling my way, hoping to find some light.
Sometimes, I am not blinded by the problems circling my head, but by closing my eyes against the light. You see, the light hurts my eyes, hurts my head, hurts my heart, hurts my soul, is too painful to feel... I am falling... falling down a dark hole. I feel safe here. I sometimes feel afraid, but I still safer here than up there, in the light. I understand the contradiction so well, but how else can I explain the duality of my existence?
I fear losing my soul somewhere in the darkness. I don't want to lose my soul, I just don't want to feel anything anymore. Life is painful. Opening my eyes each morning is absolute torture and it is tearing my mind into splintered piece that cut like shards of broken glass. My thoughts flow in and out of brain matter; thickened blood hardening like cement around each synapse making it harder and harder to think. I wonder if there is a place where I can keep my soul safe from harm. I don't want to feel anything anymore. Can I separate one from the other? God knows, I try.
There is another kind of dark hole, and if you aren't careful, you could find yourself falling through and into that horrible abyss. I can only describe it as a blackness so black that it sucks the breath out of you. You cannot cry or scream. The air is so stagnant that it feels like everything is closing in on you and you begin to feel this intense sense of claustrophobia. No matter how much you claw and fight to climb up and out of it, your efforts are for naught. The blackness will have its way with you and then spit you out, back into this place, this realm, this miserable life.
