My Mind

Love

I've always wanted someone to connect with emotionally and spiritually. I've watched so many movies where everyone ends up with the love of their lives. I've only been in one official relationship and she tore out my heart and made me feel like our "love" was fake, which it obviously was apparently. Still, I am weirdly glad that I had my first heartbreak, I never thought I'd be able to love but it seems my emotions proved me wrong. I'd like to know how it feels to cuddle someone close to your chest and just sit there in comfortable silence, I've always wanted to do that. Honestly, because I'm a teenager obviously my hormones control my mind most of the time, but I swear if I ever got the chance to hold someone I knew I loved and she loved me back...it'd be so much better than anything my sexually explicit mind could conjure up. What I felt during my short experience of learning what love felt like, was enough to make me almost completely stop thinking the way I usually do, which is either depressed or sexually frustrated. It felt nice to think that someone genuinely loved me, I was so drunk off the emotion in fact, that I didn't realize that it was a one sided relationship. I'm usually super perceptive and I can read people pretty well, so it was unusual for me not to pick up on anything. It may sound cliche but for a short while, the emotion did make me feel high and significantly happier. After it all ended I had an emotional breakdown of course, but after a few days I realized that it hurt but at least it was worth the experience. Because of my social awkwardness and my "personality" at face value, I don't believe that I'll ever find "the one". I'm pretty sure true love doesn't exist, and if it does than I'm pretty sure I am never going to find it out. It's something I'll have to except until I can be emotionally stable enough to at least gain a close friend, or approach a girl. I'm scared to put my feelings on the line, so I do not show emotion often, and the people I do show emotion to eventually stop talking to me altogether. I'm a sad human being lol.

Anyway, I just needed to vent. After reading all these emotionally driven FanFictions, I started thinking about this stuff. I mean it's always in the back of my mind, it never really goes away, the feeling of loneliness is so immense and draining that I just have to write about it to get it out of my system momentarily. Hoped you enjoy yet another glimpse into my dark mind. I'll fix any typos and shit later.