feelings journal

entry 1

its pretty hard not having any friends. having no one to talk to no one to trust. when you feel this alone all you want to do is die. i cut and cut because its all just my fault. everything is my fault. when you think you have friends and you don't its pretty shitty. its hard that the only person you can talk to is your shitty ex boyfriend but at the same time he is the only one you can talk to because you can count on him to not hurt me and actually listen. i have so much shit happening i'm up all night getting yell at for everything and just plain hated at home and just treated like i'm not worth shit. i don't even feel like i should be here, it all just seem pointless like i'm useless no one ever wants be around me my own mom doesn't even want to. the world will still spin if i'm dead high-school will still be shitty. i really feel like everyone would be better off without me because i'm just some burden and everyone just seems to pity me. i cut myself everyday and i have to hide it from everyone. they all just think everything i do is for attention but when i want to be left alone no one ever will. i just want to be alone to get my shit together because talking to everyone just overwhelms me and it just makes me want to die. everyday seems like a race against a clock to see how long till i break. it hurts to fight grabbing the pills and just chugging them. it takes everything in me. to everyone i'm just an attention whore and i really don't want to deal with their bullshit. i already have my mother hating me my dad doing nothing hes barely at home. the mental abuse is just terrible and i can't it. i don't know why they all have to hate me especially my mother. i can barely sleep when shes around shes always yelling at me for everything all the time. when she gets home it starts i'm just waiting to the day she gives me up like shes been saying. i rather go live with my grandpa. it seems like a better place to be than home and here. i don't feel like i belong anymore. writing is the only thing that helps me vent how i feel but i'm only publishing it for me. its supposed to be for a metaphor so i can see how much better i get and how much worse i get. i haven't seen my therapist yet but i really need to. i feel like talking to him would help but my mother is to busy to actually take me and doesn't think that i actually need it. if i talk to her it always seem like my words are being thrown back in my face later. i'm always lied to. I've been lied to my whole like. i have trust issues and every time i get close to someone and think that i can trust them they just prove me wrong. then i end feel stupid. everyone thinks they know how my life is but they don't i never really talk about it until something bad happens and even then i really don't want to. they see what they want to just a small part and they think that my life really is. i don't even think my boyfriend loves me anymore, it just seems like he likes my friend and not me anymore. i don't think he will cheat on me. hes told me she was more important than me and he did love her more than me but that was because she was fragile and she cut and he was scared she would commit suicide so he wanted to do everything he could to help her. that was a different story for me. he would say it had nothing to do with him and he was sorry or he couldn't help me or that he had to go. this just added on to my trust issues. he would lie to me or not tell me stuff like when he would go to her house or meet her. i most likely wouldn't have had a problem with them hanging out if she hadn't told him to break up with me multiple times and if he had told me. the other day he said that i didn't show my love towards him which made me feel like shit. it was a terrible feeling. than my friends invites everyone to her house but me (includes my boyfriend) i was having a ruff day my head hurt my sisters were arguing and i just needed someone to talk to and he was sorry he had to go if he had a choice he would stay but he didn't so i held nothing against him. than i get pictures of him at my friends house. I've never felt so worthless. i'm second in this relationship i'm never first she has to come first because she is more important. i just want to go back two months ago when i was on cloud nine and full of joy. i question why i still live here i just want to go back to the summer and either stay with my brother or stay with my grandpa. i love all my friends but some times i think i need new ones. i had to leave school early because i was refusing to talk to anyone. i didn't feel like talking about how i feel which is why i'm making this diary. just usually stuff after leaving i go to sleep and wait for my mom to get home and yell at me for everything i do wrong. till tomorrow....