All We'll Ever Be

Losing You

I.   LOSING YOU

I clutch my chest and feel the thrum of my heartbeat. Sometimes people can be so preoccupied with finding the love that they deserve, that they overlook the places that are nearest to their proximity. I inhale deeply, in my attempt to stabilize these raging thoughts, and glance sideways at you. We lock gazes for a moment, and then your eyes drifted back to the road.

With both of us sitting in your car, silence engulfed us. Both of us lost in our thoughts--- at least I am, personally speaking. This endless journey to God-knows-where has gotten me strapped in this car seat but my thoughts are elsewhere. I stare ahead, out the window. The rain that pours is like an echo of what goes on inside me: strong, aplenty, fierce and seemingly never ending.

I love you. As I am aware that you love me too. It has always been this uncomplicated and point-blank platonic. We have always been there for each other. You cannot imagine the immense, carefree high I get when we're together. How I never really care about what I say when I'm with you, how all societal filters burn to ashes, how I can truly be myself to the core when you're around. From the most random and useless talks, down to the deepest and darkest secret that not even my sanctity would dare acknowledge, I have them all bared to you. We listen to each other, we don't judge.

We can screw up relationships, one after another; We have poked fun at absolutely anything (even if it's downright mean); We shout at the top of our lungs at practically ANYWHERE; We can laugh, dance, sing, and throw hissy bitch fits at each other and not give a fuck about what anyone else has to say. We share so many things that you don't need to tell me that you trust me, because with all the lunacies we've had to undergo together, believe me, I already know that you do. 

This is how we have always loved--- you, being my brother from another mother, my soul mate. You can tell me anything, I can tell you anything. We say what we feel to each other, I have not been afraid to tell you how much I love you, or miss you. Because you understand, you know that love has more dimensions than just romantic love and for us, relationships come and go, but our bond stays.

"It's begging now for air, oh the sudden breath of change"

About one of the many things that make emotions a blissful and cruel thing to deal with is, you don't know it's there unless it hits you square in the face. A rude awakening. 

"I love you", I say softly. I continue to stare ahead and watch the world as the rain washes it away. "I love you too", you reply with a faint smile. Typical. Usual. But my insides scream so loud, it's deafening my soul.

I love you, but I don't know how this happened, or why... but, I love you and this is no longer platonic. To you, this companionship is pure close-friendship-ness. It has always been the case with me, too, but I don't know... I woke up and I love you more than I always have, and this feeling just wants to make me burst to tiny pieces. 

I search myself, beg myself, even, for spare courage to be able to confront this sudden realization. As these walls of salvation crumble at my feet, I stand here--- knees shaking, afraid of the truth that I cannot run away from. I close my eyes, willing these emotions to go away, but nothing happens. It is an elating feeling, the warmth you give me when you stare down at my eyes, to my soul. I have never felt so wanted. You are such a huge force of happiness, a never-ending patch of sunlight and everybody around you can attest to that. You are so likable and being this close to you has always made me feel so lucky. I have always loved you dearly as a friend, but I never really dared to imagine you as something more because I know that I can potentially love you romantically. I have always been successful in shutting it out and ignoring it, but as it comes around in full blast, blowing my defenses away, I realized that maybe I have never potentially loved you. 

Friendship has made this love dormant, but it's there. It has always been.

In today's age I am not so stupid as to not know what the ending will be when things like these change. They never make it through.

And without you leaving my side, I'm already losing you.

We pull over at the beach, you tilt your head and flash me a smile. I smile back and pray to God that you don't read me like an open book today. You take in the scenery and a faint smile tugs on your lips. You step out of the car, face the imagery with arms spread out. Then, you closed your eyes. 

Waves after waves roll into the sunset--- the stage on which I fear you and I might be standing on... although you have no idea just yet. 

I watch you bare yourself in your simple way and it hurts my chest to contain this emotion I have for you, it makes me want to ignite and explode to pieces. I take a step and walk towards you. As I approach, my heartbeat accelerates and I think I stopped breathing as your features came into full view. This is the man who has loved every flaw of mine and will still take me for who I am. This man is my best friend. This man is my soul mate. This is the man I love.

I inhaled sharply as these feelings take hold of me."Oh my God, you're beautiful." These words came out even before I could stop myself. I couldn't take my eyes off you. This is too much. Just too much.

All these and more, for someone I can never have.

I turn away as tears escaped me, I wipe them in haste. I pretended to get something back in the car to avoid having to explain anything. I hope you didn't notice. I bit my lip to stop myself from sobbing so hard because I know that this love feels so wrong and right at the same time--- and I am so damn sure that this is unrequited. 

Of course I know I'm not your type. All these years of being friends with you, I know what sort of girls make you go gaga and which ones aren't. I know you too much to know that you're not going to want me as that.But like the crazy bitch I am, a part of me seeks for hope that maybe we could be something more. Who knows? There may be a lot of complications if we decide to take this a notch higher, but, screw complications! Screw friendship codes! Since when has these fuckers been a hindrance to a relationship anyway? If it's worth having, screw everything on its way! What if this is the reason why we haven't had it good with our respective relationships before? What if because we were meant for each other all along?

OH MY GOD I THINK I'M GOING CRAZY.

I'm a ticking time bomb. I have never been afraid of telling you my feelings, except now. When I look at you, you'll see sparkles that weren't there before. But what would you do if you knew? It would only end my days with you. I am so scared of losing you but keeping you and having to bottle up my feelings is also killing me. 

I should have just quit you years ago, even before any closeness ensued, if only I had known. But I had no idea we'd get this big.

I am so sorry I pushed this thing too far. I should just let it go.

But I can't.

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[A/N This is partly inspired by The Narrative’s “Eyes Closed” . It may or may not be inspired by a true story. :)