misguided

                   Waking up is probably the worst part of anything. I dread waking up every morning, because every night I just wished that I wouldn’t. I wanted to fall into an eternal sleep. Sometimes I like to daydream of being in a safe place. I’ve never actually been somewhere safe, but I’d like to think of it as the same feeling you get when you buy new band merch.  After my dad left when I was 2 my mom became a total drunk. She blames everything on me. I’m constantly taking care of my 4-year-old sister. This is what I think every-fucking-morning I wake up.

               After I’m done complaining about my life, wishing everything would get better, but actually having no hope in that, I get ready for my worst nightmare. School. School was better than my “at-home-life”. I was bullied but not physically. I never actually got punched by anyone but my drunk, abusive mom. I wish my mom would just stop being such a whore, bringing a guy home every other night. This has happened for 14 years besides 1, which was 10 or 11 years ago. Which was when my mom was pregnant with my sister. 

                  Today I promised myself would be different though, for him. Exactly a year ago my boyfriend of 3 years killed himself. That doesn’t matter now though, it’s in the past and there’s nothing I can do about it. So, I put on some black skinny jeans, a bring me the horizon shirt, all 17 of my bracelets, and slipped on my black vans. Finally I grabbed his old jacket and went to go and do my hair.my hair was despised by everyone “it look Satanist”, but I don’t give a fuck anymore, people need to learn how to deal with their own shit and fuck off. By the time I finished my hair it was 8:08 and I have to be at school by 8:30 and it took me 15 minutes to get there. I ran down stairs grabbed my wallet that had a chain hanging from it and my car keys. I kissed Kaitlin goodbye and rushed out the door.

                  Unlike what people stereotype what  “scenes” and “emos” as, we are quite different.  Driving to school alone gives me time to think. I often think about bands and my hatred for people at my school being the illiterate idiots they are. But today was different, just as I promised myself. I thought about him all day. Driving back home was the absolute worst part of the day. Having to go back to this hellhole called “home” sucks dick. The only reason I ever go back instead of escaping and risking it all by having the chance of a police arresting me for being a “run away” is Kaitlin. Its like that one thing you want to get rid of but just wanting to hold onto it for just one more second and seeing so many memories behind it you cant just throw it away.

                   As soon as I got home I walked in on my mom beating the shit out of Kaitlin. I let out a hoarse scream “WHAT THE FUCK MOM?” she seemed to ignore my question to continue beating an already screaming child.  I didn’t know what to do. If I called 911 its very possible I’d be separated from Kaitlin and I wouldn’t want to take that chance. So I pushed my mom off of Kaitlin, picked her up and ran out the house. I quickly buckled Kaitlin into her seat and called my friend, Sammy.

 “Sammy, I don’t know what to do,” I said in calm voice trying not to overwhelm Kaitlin who already had scratches and bruises starting to form all over her body.

 “What happened Olivia?” she replied in a curious tone.

 “My mom… I-it happened again”

 “Fucking-a Olivia” I could tell she was kind of pissed off, not at me, but my mom.

 “I’m so sorry”

 “Where are you?”

 “Right by the mall, I’m driving around in circles”

 “Come over, we don’t need the chance of your mom finding you” I agreed even though I knew it was impossible for my mom to reach me, the government took away her car.

                I turned around and headed to her house, I got there about 10 minutes later, Kaitlin still wailing in the backseat of the car buckled into her car seat. I got out and immediately went to open the door to get Kaitlin out. I noticed a giant burn mark starting at her shoulder and ending at her fore arm. Seeing her like this killed me a little inside. My eyes started to burn from holding back tears; I didn’t want to cry in front of her. I ran inside and handed her to Sammy and ran back out. Tears started to pour out. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. My mom is just an abusive bitch. I’ve taken care of her kid since I was 12 and she turns around and beats the living shit out of her? What the absolute fuck is wrong with this woman? I stayed outside for another 10 minutes and then came back in to hear Kaitlin’s adorable little laugh, which was the first thing I fell in love with about her.

          I walk around the corner to see Sammy’s brother chasing Kaitlin’s battered body around the house. I’m surprised she isn’t sore. When she saw me she did this half giggle half scream type thing and threw her arms up for me to pick her up, which I did. Then Sammy walked in looking at her phone and said, “my mom said you could stay here as long as you need” I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you, but where will we sleep” she then looked up from her phone. “Guest bedroom” I nodded and continued to play with Kaitlin. When a few minutes later Austin joined in. god, seeing how good he is with kids made him 200x more attractive then he already was. But I can’t. Did I? No I couldn’t possibly have feelings for my best friend’s brother.  But just look at him with her, this cant be happening again.