misguided

chapter 2: love?

I’ve been here for 3 days now, and have only fell harder for Austin. Now the slightest parts of him are just the cutest things to me. His smile makes my day, and I never thought I’d say this but I think I love him. I think I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone… even Isaac. This feeling scares me. I never thought I’d love again. I don’t want to be in love. I just can’t. Not only is he my best friend’s brother, but I could also hurt him. Just like I did Isaac. I wasn’t the main cause, but I was the only thing he wanted to live for… and then the fight. It was like he was on life support and I the breathing machine pumping his blood and making his lungs find the air to support his being. Then we fought, which led to a break up when 2 hours later I regretted it and took it back and called him almost 20 times leaving him messages, only to get a call from his mom the next day say that he had hung himself. It was I, the breathing machine that pushed him to this. Almost as if he pulled the plug on the breathing machine I guess you could say.

Just thinking about this made me cry. My poor Isaac. My one and only. My-my love. But all that was gone, over and done with. Isaac used to help me with Kaitlin. So having Austin help out with her brought back a lot of memories. Kaitlin seemed to love him and since he was 18 (2 years older than me) he was out of high school and could take care of Kaitlin while I was gone. When I got home from school today Kaitlin told me she wanted to ask me a very important question and asked if I could come into “our room” for a little bit. She sat my down on the bed and what she asked me made my eyes well with tears.

“Is Austin going to be like the new Isaac?”

“No honey, I don’t think Austin likes me like that”

“But if he did, he would be like my daddy right?”

“Baby, even if me and Austin got together and lasted forever, somehow, I’m not your mommy, so he wouldn't be your daddy” god, how it broke my heart to explain that to her.

“But-but, all my friends say that a mommy is a older girl who loves you and takes care of you” she slowly looked up to me in a sweet and loving way and in the softest voice she’s ever used said “and you’re the only one like that to me” I picked her up and held her for what felt like forever, obviously I had to explain this to Austin.

            I got Kaitlin to sleep and went downstairs. I found Austin and started talking to him about what just happened. He did this smirk that gave me chills. God it was so cute. It made me feel safe, in a weird way. Then he said, “Well how would you feel about that?” this question confused the hell out of me “W-what do you mean?” his smirk turned into a smile and soon went back to him just staring into my eyes. He made me feel loved, just by his gaze. Then… then he put his hand on my cheek and leaned in. I didn’t know what to do I hadn’t kissed someone in a year. I didn’t want to avoid it though, not like in those dumb movies that are nothing like real life. So I leaned in myself. His lips were so soft. I couldn’t believe myself, but I soon found my self almost on top of him, kissing him firmly, almost in, I guess you could say, a sexual way. Then I heard a tiny giggle then “ewwwie” I immediately recognized the voice. Kaitlin. I pulled myself back and got myself sitting correctly and said “how long have you been watching us silly?” she giggled and ran off only to have Austin chasing after her. He scooped her up and what I saw next was the absolute most adorable thing ever. She screamed and he carried her around and said, “Wanna show your sister what we were doing earlier?” she shook her head and he picked her up over his head. At that point she was riding on his shoulders. Austin had shaggy brown hair with blues. He’s got spider bites and gauges, and was great with kids. 

            That night Austin and me talked, a lot. We had gotten Kaitlin to sleep, for good now.  So we didn’t wake her up we decided to talk in his room. I knew nothing sexual was going to happen because I trusted he wasn’t going to try anything, he was a very respectful guy. But we didn’t want anyone to know we were in his bed so we kept down because Sammy was right next door. We kind of held his hands in mine and said, “so, about earlier” this made me feel like he was going to bring up horrible news, like he had a girlfriend, or he wasn’t going to kiss me and he was actually gay. But instead he smiled really big and said “I wouldn’t mid us. It wouldn’t be that bad. Olivia, we have known each other since we were 6 and 8 and I’ve had the biggest crush on you, I would mind having us and Kaitlin being a family” was he being for real? All of this is over whelming, was this it? Was this, dare I say it, true love?

            That night I fell asleep in his arms. He fell asleep first and that’s when I whispered right by his dimpled cheek “I don’t think id mind either, Austin” only, he wasn’t asleep, and I was assured this by his smiling and stealing one more kiss for the night. And that’s when, just then and there I decided. I loved Austin Johnson.