don't say you love me... | camren au

don't say you love me...

I love you.

The beep signaling a new message startles her. Reaching for the phone lying on the other side of the table, Camila sighs. She's sure she knows who it is. Nobody else but that person would know she's still up. It's a quarter after twelve; nobody in their right mind would ever send her a message this late. So, yeah, she doesn't have to look at the screen. She actually contemplates just going to bed and dealing with this in the morning, but it's going to end up making her anxious in a way that prevents her from falling asleep, anyway.

So Camila exhales soundly and grabs her cell. Once she has unlocked it, she proceeds to tap on the newly received message, and when she's finished reading it, she groans. Closes her eyes to think of a reply. Comes up with– nothing. There's not one thing she can think of that will make the person stop. She knows this. So, instead of making up a useless three paragraphs of telling the person how unwanted their nightly words are, she waits.

Inevitably, a call follows. Camila has gathered as much. She grumbles disapprovingly before picking up.

"Camila–" the caller starts right away, "I–"

This time, Camila does give a reply. This has happened so often that she can't keep track, but she's sure this must be at least the hundredth time for them to have a 'conversation' like this. She says, "Lauren, we've been here before. I know how this ends." She closes her eyes in the silence that follows her words. She knows the person at the other end feels guilty. She wants her to. "There were days when you would not call me nor text me. And we were dating. You wouldn't ask how my days had been. You didn't care about me, my well-being, or my career. You simply didn't care." Camila's voice has grown continually louder. Whenever this happens, it makes her incredibly angry–and, honestly, she has every right to be.

Another few seconds of silence. Then, "That's not true." It sounds timid, small, almost like a question.

Camila laughs. It's bitter, it's incredulous. It cuts through the air like a blunt knife that hasn't been used in a while–or maybe it's been used too often? "You can't be serious."

"I am," Lauren says. She probably wants it to sound like a promise, she probably wants it to convince Camila, she probably wants it to make Camila want her back.

To the girl, however, it's nothing but a distant, senseless blabber, and she rolls her eyes at it. "Lauren, please, stop calling me. I can't do this. I don't want to do this. You made up your mind. You told me you could go on without me. Well, I can go on without you as well. This might come as a surprise to you, but I do not depend on you. So don't lie to me, saying you miss me. And don't tell me any of those other lies you claim to be true. Don't say you know what it's like to go through hell. Because, Lauren, you don't. Don't you dare say you're hurting without the scars to prove it. For the love of fuck, Lauren, stop talking to me, stop texting me, stop calling me. I don't want you in my life. I can't keep wanting to–irrationally, maybe–trust you one second and being left the next. Do me a favor and pick up one of your other toys to play with."

Once upon a time, Camila's words were full of honey, full of sugar when she spoke to Lauren. But right now, there's nothing but desperation. There's nothing left for Camila except the want for this to end. Once and for all. She wants to live a normal life; she wants to live a life again.

She expects her old friend, her old best friend, her old lover, her old girlfriend to listen to her. One more time.

But instead of doing just that, Lauren tries again, insisting, "I love you."

Camila rubs her temples in response. For a minute or so, she doesn't know what to say. She can't keep repeating the same thing every single time, can she? Maybe she should just change her number. Or block Lauren. Words don't seem to get her anywhere. Still, after a while, she says, "This is getting ridiculous." She lets out another laugh. It's even bitterer than the first one. "Lauren, we've been here plenty of times. You'll tell me you love me, you'll tell me you'll change, you'll tell me you'll get better. And three days later, I'll find you wasted and high as fuck as you're trying to jump someone's bones." She has waited far too long to say this to Lauren, but she finally does now, "I deserve better."

"Don't say that," Lauren spits back, and it's shaky–like she's about to cry–and Camila knows it's another one of her usual tactics to make her feel guilty. It's not working. It hasn't worked in months. Not on Camila.

"Yes, Lauren, I will say it. I'll say it once, and I'll say it again. I," Camila pauses, "deserve better." She emphasizes her words hoping it'll show her ex-girlfriend that, yes, she means them. She means them, and nothing the girl says will change the fact that she's really, honestly started to believe them.

Camila Cabello deserves someone better than Lauren Jauregui. Maybe, at one point, they did deserve each other, but not anymore. Not with the way Lauren behaves. It's inexcusable, and Camila has come to understand that.

"Don't say you love me unless you do."

The words are left hanging in the air.

As Camila waits for Lauren's answer, she silently congratulates herself for her courage, her confidence to finally say everything out loud. Because once upon a time, she would have been intimidated by Lauren to a point where she'd taken her back, too scared to say anything like what she's just said; once upon a time, she would have given a lot just to be with the girl, despite knowing very well that she would not change her questionable lifestyle for her; once upon a time, Camila would have done everything for Lauren. But those times are over.

It takes a few minutes–they're spent with Camila listening to the sound of raindrops falling onto the window pane–until Lauren utters a quiet, "Okay."

It's the end of their relationship.

And Camila can breathe. She isn't sad. No; she's happy she can let go. She will eventually, anyway.

When Lauren hangs up after her final words, Camila sighs. It's not in regret, it's in relief. She's relieved she's got everything behind her; now, she can start a new chapter. One day, she's not going to be hurt anymore. The healing starts now. And she knows that, one far away days, she can be happy again, she can love again; she will be happy, she will love without Lauren.

The prospect of everything that's going to be makes her giddy, and she decides to call a good friend. A friend that's helped her a lot ever since she and Lauren fell apart, and she needs her to know that she's done what she's wanted to do for so long.

It's one o'clock in the night, but she knows Jade will be glad, relieved, too. No matter the time. So she searches for her name, clicks on it. And once the girl has picked up, Camila simply tells her, "I did it."

"I'm proud of you." There's quiet laughter.

Camila's proud of herself, too. So she joins in, and says, "Thank you, babe." It's the end of the conversation already, but it's all that she's needed, and it makes her smile before she gets ready for bed.

For the first time in years, her smile is genuine; for the first time in years, she falls asleep in peace. Now that she's made that final cut, she knows she's going to be fine.

Yes, she's going to be happy. One day. Soon. And that's all that counts.

*

A/N: Here's the deal: this is already on ao3, but I'm procrastinating real hard atm so I thought... why not post it on here as well?! For everyone who hasn't read this yet, one/two of the future chapters will contain relatively heavy stuff that some might not be comfortable with. It's in the summary of this book, and I'll hopefully remember to put it in the respective author's notes, too.

Also, here's a fun fact: the only reason why this has multiple chapters/ends well is because one person complained about it right after I'd posted it. What I'm saying is I literally wrote the entire rest of this out of spite. It was initially just a one shot to blow off some steam about how much of a dick Lauren has been lately. I'd intended for Camila to cut her off and be happy without her. But yeah, someone complained and I got angry. Whoops?

Please don't forget to vote and/or comment, by the way :) See you next chapter!