Cut

Demons

song of the chapter - demons imagine dragons

 Fair warning the first part of this chapter is rather dull so unfortunately you'll just have to read on and rant at me in the comments...

 

Shall i tell you all of the things that drove me to cut? Almost my entire life was what drew up to it, it started from my youngest years, my mom and dad split up and i was the easiest blame at only the age of 2, i moved with my mom obviously as i was only 2 it was the easiest thing and in her eyes i was every bad choice she had made, i was the spitting image of my dad but in a softer way if that makes any sense.

 

He had dark hair, so did i (i say did as it is now red, dyed of course), he has dark brown near black eyes... mine well they're kind of an anomaly my moms eyes are green but mine are a dark brown/olive it seems i combined the two with that, i got my height from my dad and my build, broad shoulders, and slightly chubby however i got my chest from my mom, being chubby comes with boobs that are bigger than the average person for example i am a 34F and the average is 36C/D, they are possibly the only bonus of being chubby.

 

Anyways off topic that was, she was always distant with me, so i was distant with the children when i started school, i was petrified of doing something wrong, that i'd anger someone, one day i sang to a song the teacher had been humming and she suggested i try out for the choir and my hopes were lifted, maybe i was good for something, maybe i wasn't a useless waste of oxygen, even at the young age i didn't believe that i had a right to be on the planet.

 

Auditioning had to be the scariest thing i'd ever do as music for me is a way of life, my way of breathing, without it i would genuinely have no purpose in life - i don't anyway but it is the only thing i can think of. They said no and i plummeted into books, i'd read every book in the school by year 2 and had started to read the books from home, i'd read the Harry Potter books as well as started on the .. hmm how do i put this? explicit books? So i knew everything about sexual relations before i was in year 4.

 

Bullying had gone on all the way through primary school so bad to the point i refused to go to school for 3 weeks on end and all because i wouldn't do anything for fear of angering them and getting hit like my mother had done many a time if she believed i had done something wrong - i say believed as well she had lots of bad days, she was a single mom who still had to work and find a way to fit a child into her schedule.

 

Anyways, you'll discover other reasons throughout the book, for now however you don't want to hear this crap so i shall move onto today where i have so far gone 27 days straight of cutting and i have been asked why i cut, so i gave them the simple answer:

I cut because i can't handle emotions at all and the most high emotions i tend to feel is pain and guilt and physical pain is so much more preferable than emotional pain, i'm an accident prone person so physical pain i can handle quite well... I cut because i need something else to focus on other than the crap actually going on in reality, i cut because I'm an idiot, i cut because i don't want to die and this is my way of coping, i cut to feel like i'm here...

 

Many people have different and numerous reasons for cutting or self harming (cutting yourself, poisoning yourself, over-eating or under-eating, burning your skin, inserting objects into your body, hitting yourself or walls, overdosing, exercising excessively, scratching and hair pulling, etc.) in general such as:

pressures at school or work ✔ bullying ✔ money worries ✔ sexual, physical or emotional abuse ✔ bereavement ✔ confusion about your sexuality breakdown of relationships ✔ an illness or health problem difficult feelings, such as depression, anxiety, anger or numbness, experienced as part of a mental health problem. ✔ express something that is hard to put into words ✔ make experiences, thoughts or feelings that feel invisible into something visible ✔ change emotional pain into physical pain ✔ reduce overwhelming emotional feelings or thoughts ✔ have a sense of being in control ✔ escape traumatic memories ✔ stop feeling numb, disconnected or dissociated ✔ create a reason to physically care for yourself ✔ express suicidal feelings and thoughts without taking your own life  ✔ communicate to other people that you are experiencing severe distress without actually telling them ✔

I'm betting that you made a checklist of which ones you had and whether or not you actually cut because of it i know at least one person for every one of those reasons, me ? i'll tick next to them.. huh hadn't realised that i was actually suited for a lot of those reasons... comment which ones are related to you or add your own if you cut or self harm in any way shape or form?

 

 

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Not entirely sure if this is an actual story yet or whether this is just an explanatory chapter - if i should continue like this let me know ? My friends have been through a lot of this so maybe i could help with your situations? Or if you want an actual story let me know as well

 

comment good or bad :P vote if you know any of these feelings or just if you actually like reading this

 

love y'all

FireworkMonkey xx

P.S. for professional help with cutting, there is many ways of help on the internet, emailing, calling and many ways that are confidential such as: 7cupsoftea.com you can call people confidentially and tell them everything and receive advice, The Samaritans also if you just want someone to talk to they work by phone call or email, imalive.org where you can chat with people as you would IM people, if you want to go and actually talk to someone i suggest looking at Mind.org.uk if you're in the UK, for the US or any other country i'm still looking but if you type in self harm or cutting into tumblr it comes up with many places you can look at