In The Shadow Of Regret

Chapter 1: Between Now and Then

Between Now and Then

Regret is a strange thing. You think it will fade over time, that the years will somehow make it disappear, but it doesn't. It's like a shadow that follows you around, even on the brightest day when you're supposed to feel okay.

I spent years trying to forget about it. I keep telling myself that it was just one mistake, one bad decision, but no matter how far I run, it's always there, waiting for me in the quiet moments. In between conversations that mention him, late at night when I'm lying in bed, just stuck thinking things. Sometimes I wonder if it's a part of me now. Like, where does it even end? I can't really tell anymore.

It wasn't just one decision. It was a bunch of small ones, each seemed harmless at the time. But they stacked up, creating a whole bunch of mess I couldn't seem to get out of. The worst part? I can't say I didn't know any better. I did. I knew what I was doing, and I went with it anyway because, at the time, I was doing it for you. I did it because I know I won't forgive myself if I don't take that one bad decision. And that's what eats at me. I had a choice, and I still chose to do it.

And that one choice? It changed everything. My life, my relationship with you, the person I thought I was. It's like tossing a peddle into a lake and watching the ripples destroy everything you imagined your future would be.

People say, "Time heals," but they never mention the stuff time can't touch. Regret? That's one of those things. It's like a wound that never heals. Some days, I forget it's even there. But then something small happens, like catching a familiar scent, hearing a random music, or hearing your name. And it suddenly comes rushing back, as raw as the day it first happened.

I've learned to live with it, though. What else can I do? But it's really tiring. Having it constantly following me around while acting like everything's fine when it's not.

There are moments, brief ones, where I think maybe I can let this go, but then I'll be reminded of what we once had, and it's like the past grabs hold of me all over again, refusing to let me move on.

Five years have passed since that day. I am now working as an office staff in a corporate setting, but it's really draining in ways I never expected.

When I first graduated, I had so much ambition due to the constant comments made by my parents. It fueled me to do my best, and so I did just that. I spent so much time looking for a job in a corporate office because that's something I've always wanted. I wanted that kind of life. A life where I work for eight hours and go home to my apartment. I believe I'd find satisfaction in doing something I really like, but I was wrong to think that.

The reality is far from what I imagined. Every day feels exhausting. The constant demands, the endless tasks, and the pressure from the bosses. It's more than tiring. It's suffocating. Being yelled at for things beyond my control chips away at my mental health.

Nine hours a day, plus the overtime just to keep up. It wears me down physically, but what's worse is the emotional drain. The feeling that no matter how hard I try is never enough.

In the span of five years, so much has changed.

My friends from college? They are nothing but distant memories now. I haven't talked to them in years. The only person I talk to regularly is my coworker in the next cubicle.

My home? I left that place where we used to share. The memories haunted me every time I walked through the door, and the pain is just too much to bear. So I packed up and left, telling myself that it was for my mental health. And maybe it was the right choice. But sometimes, when I'm alone, I would wonder what became of that place.

What happened after I left? Is someone living there now? Does he know that I'm no longer there?

Even the food I eat has changed. I stopped eating the food I used to love. Anything that reminds me of him. I didn't need the constant reminders of what I lost.